Comments : Suicide

  • 14 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Sitting here
    Staring unseeing out the window"

    A comma I think should be placed after "staring" for a pause.

    "The world passing me by
    Wishing it would all go away
    Dealing with these emotins
    It's like taming the sea"

    "emotins" should be "emotions".

    I did like the simile though, I have not heard that one used before.

    "Fighting an ever losing battle
    Numb to all emotion
    One last step will send me over the edge"

    I loved everything else here except for the second line, I didn't like the repeat of "emotion" and it seemed a bit common to me.

    "Voices come and go
    Feeling like a ghost
    Realising this is the end"

    "realising" should be "realizing".

    I didn't get the part of "feeling like a ghost", I am sorry but I just didn't fully grasp your thought here.

    "Steady hands reach towards there target"

    "there" should be "their", I like this line though, it is haunting.

    "Armed with the one weapon"

    Very intriguing, nice work here.

    "Standing up
    Staring out the window
    Blood flows onto the carpet
    Watching it make rivers
    Whispering goodbye
    I morbidly sway to this failed romance
    Hit the floor for one last time"

    Good ending, the last two lines are what really hit me, excellent usage of words, well-picked there.

    Thanks for posting, take care and God bless!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 14 years ago

    by Fading Memory

    Nice one keep the good work up 5/5