KArl..this is a very new piece and style by u..
I think it should be under dark poetry but..in both cases this was really good..
A creative piece..with gd wording tho i believe some lines of reworded would leave a very much stronger impact on the reader..cause the way u narrated ur thoughts was really unique..
Truly love it!! and I know that you know haha
5/5 keep the gd work coming
10 years ago
I liked this. You started out being obnoxious. "I'm the man,be honoured that I'm here" but then you went to the vulnerable side (not sure which is the real one in your case ). How we see ourselves depends on a lot of things on any particular day, even which side we got up on.
Hey I must say I'm very impressed with this piece. I really love the line where you say how you harvested your ego from where you planted your dreams, as the connection between fulfilled dreams and self-esteem/ego comes out strong from here (at least for me). Of course like others have pointed out I like the transition from a strong front to the vulnerable side, and I like how it starts strong and almost deteriorates into the vulnerability, like how usually the strong ones in life usually can't keep up the act and the ego starts to crack away showing the inside. It also flows with as we get to know you through the poem...we get to see the vulnerable side, I like that. Very well done sir.
10 years ago
From this stanza i get a sense of solemn arrogance, almost as if resigning to the fact that the ego is in control, but loving it for its convenience anyway.
I get a definite sense of arrogance here, of youthfull optomism, it was clear to me at this point, at least in my head, what you were trying to say; (although this is only my interpretation) that to any and all extent our egos are in control of us, and that we like to think that we are better than anyone else, actively seeking out people that we are better than.
see and marquis seems a bit forced, but thats being nitpicky
beautiful, the poem is really coming together here into a kind of crescendo, im waiting for this character's ego to be his downfall, while simultaeneously red flags are going off concerning my own ego. You avoid blatant cliches but still find a way to incorporate dreams, well done. watch forced rhymes though, this poem *might* be stronger free verse, however that is my own opinion and stylistic choice.
By this point "I know" is an extremely effective use of repetition, and the ending is all in all satisfactory.
I know. im not sure how i feel about this line
"Until I know my ego the image of me will always be unclear,
Keep my enemies close so I'll always keep my ego near."
I would omit it, or shorten it unless you feel as though it is an absolutely necesary point to emphasize; otherwise it is implied in the rest of the poem, and just seems like another not so apt rhyme.
everything else after that rings extremely true, even if it is a tad wordy, it's a warning that a lot of people need. I'm certainly guilt of having a powerful ego, and it will probably be my downfall, i could really use some good me time to deconstruct myself and figure out more of what makes me tic.
Again, the ending is perfect.
In summary, id work on streamlining it as much as possible, shortening unnecesary phrases, either ridding or making rhymes seem less forced, and trusting a little bit more to the reader's imagination. all in all, a great poem indeed.
"I'm better than you."
p.s. i cant get these words out of my head, they are extremely powerful. that was really, really well done.
This is a free verse poem, it's just a simple freestyle that I put down in 5 minutes to be honest. I could change things and spend time on "perfecting" it. But the whole point of writing this poem like that was to make the words and style as imperfect as our ego's. Most people miss the key rhymes/style in my pieces anyways so no big deal haha
The cliques and freestyle writing must make this quite unique, loved the arrogance and the back-peddling which pulled the poem together. Your right though if we don't believe in us who will.
Well written so don't know why you added what is above. It is your poem I never explain unless asked then I only tell the person who asked what they want to know otherwise it takes away your poems magic.
Excellent 5/5 ray S
Nobody in here can hold a candle to me,
I'm what children grow up wishing to be
^^ I friggin love that qoute...
Oh how I wish i can write like you Karl..your poetry is incredible!
I had so much to say about this poem when I was reading it but when I came to comment I saw everyones LOONNGGg comments they said to you..it was all I had to say...this poem started off so cocky for me and it actual made me mad. Egos can be so ugly..but then you just kind of made the ego into something a little more gentler then arrogance...it was truly a great read..I can ramble on and on about how much I love this!