Nana, as ever you make even the smallest of a poem still breathtaking and beautiful like all your other poems. The message of this poems seems to introduce a sadness within yourself. I really like the emotions in this piece as they are straight forward and very sad. The structure was good and the flow was as well, which helped with the clarity of this poem making it easier to understand. I also like the way you describe everything. Making this piece filled with wonderful imagery that details everything happening around you or maybe even within you.
"At the meeting of the shores
where the sun kisses the
sand-banks; warming the shallow waters."
Though this was just a description I still found it to be very moving and very descriptive. It shows your talent again and even your creativity, coming up with things like this in your poems.
All in all, I found this to be a release of emotions in a sort of way. Great job and keep writing.
This is beautiful. You took my breath away! I would not change a thing.
8 years ago
by The Prince
Regarding change, I wouldn't change much except 'sun kisses' as it's a horrible nonsensical cliche. I don't really like the addition of 'sun' anyway. It's a poignant poem without the unneeded antithetical imagery.
An original idea, sailing within your sadness, that sadness tossed around by waves of the ocean, spreading the pain of that sadness yet your affection (I think) for someone or maybe the future still has hope. In the first verse, first line it's is the correct usage as you meant it to say it is. In line four of verse word its is the correct usage, it is does not work there.
In the second verse, it feels to me as if something is missing or the verse is incomplete somehow. By adding a line, it then would be complete.
At the meeting of the shores
where the sun caresses the
sandbanks warming the shallow waters,
awaits optimism for the future.
That added line would fit with the fear you express in verse three.