Comments : Tornado

  • 13 years ago

    by Sunshine

    Sowy:( for being late..
    anyway though you already knew my opinion few days ago..

    but here we go ;
    an amazing piece, a poem that's written with so much power.
    Greatly penned Miss :),
    I love your expressions, how nothing is cliche...

    I think what I loved more, was how you only revealed the 2nd part when you penned down the last or ending parts, that left a very good impact.

    PS: the way your whole emotions stand bare with clarity yet poetic way..

    the only thing i would suggest, is..noo actually are 2 minor things :

    1) don't capitalize each single 1st letter of each new line, i think this happened because you wrote using microsoft?
    anyway it kills the flow better..or else each new line..sounds like a new idea . got me ? :)

    2)if u repuncuate the last part this way, would be a bit easier :

    Coughing, gasping for breath
    polluted air engulfs me,
    the swift movement grows faster,
    pushes harder and breaks me.

    You're a destructive force of nature
    pulling me into your fatal vortex,
    losing consciousness I surrender;
    - vanished in your vicious tornado.

    five for sure, :)
    well done, keep shining

  • 13 years ago

    by Chelsey

    WOW...your opening stanza really really drew me in.. This feeling is one A LOT of us can relate to. It sucks when you feel like 1, you have a tornado of emotions swirling inside of you, or 2, someone is like a tornado pulling you in and suffocating you. Both feelings are terrible and really hard to go through.

    Your ending was awesome! I really like the analogy you used and your word choice was great!

    Keep it up I love your work!