Comments : I Have Lost You Forever

  • 10 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    I liked this poem but the emotional content, and that's about it. I felt like you got lost with trying to make sure your words rhyme that you didn't pay attention to how it sounds. I feel if you're going to make a rhyming poem that it should be constant throughtout the piece. Have a pattern or something to it so the poem has a steady flow. Your poem did not. Honestly I think it would be tens times more interesting to read if it was free verse or even if you put it in a form. I took the first stanza and rewrote it free verse to show you what your poem could look and read like.

    *You lay your head
    Upon my chest
    As you lose yourself
    Into an eternal rest*

    *You lay your head
    upon my chest,
    losing yourself deeply
    among an eternal slumber.*

    The difference isn't much but it makes a difference to the reader. I don't want you to think I am dumping on your poem or anything like that. I just see you doing so much more with your talent. Keep writing :] -Nik

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Fix the "forever"- extra letter afterwards....

    I liked the flow of this piece- the simple rhyme that touched base of this lonely love, recalling as a memory this beautiful relationship. When you have this need to see your beloved again since you have lost them, they seem far away- it seems the rhyming you used didn't live up to your heart's wandering, to what you actually feel. I felt like the words didn't even go as deep as they could have, but it still was an effective rhyme....I don't read it often but when I do, it smooths nicely on my lips.

    Keep writing and God bless :)