Our day..

by Sean   Apr 17, 2011


This darkness is milder than the last -
faint sweet breathes drifting by my side.
In sleep, the flower shines even brighter -
my love is fonder in wordless togetherness.

By morning, I'm bleary eyed and rigid of little sleep -
you turn, with the cutest of fresh smiles.
In a hug and a kiss we'll discuss our new day -
the darkness milder still as I ponder....
"Our day...."

Edit - 2nd stanza 1st line, addition of 'I'm'.

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  • 13 years ago

    by Zar Eldeen

    I don't know why I wrote it was "simple". I agree it's not. Maybe because I understood it with only 2 or 3 readings, whereas I struggle much more to understand others. That's also why I like it ;-)

  • 13 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Actually, I had thought Raina was going to comment, sorry Zare

  • 13 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Sean, I get a far grimmer experience than Raina, which may indicate a well written, complex work.

    This darkness is milder than the last -
    ^^^ I take this as meaning not the night, but rather a depressive episode - one in which the speaker is all to much at home.

    faint sweet breathes drifting by my side.
    ^^^ an episode alleviated somewhat by new found companionship

    In sleep, the flower shines even brighter -
    my love is fonder in wordless togetherness.
    ^^^ The flower is the one saving his soul and his life; yet he is incapable of expressing to her his desperate need or his fears.

    By morning, bleary eyed and rigid of little sleep -
    you'll turn, with the cutest of fresh smiles.
    ^^^ If you mean the speaker is bleary-eyed, you need to clarify. "I see you turn..." or something. If the intent is to show BOTH parties have been living in darkness, lonely and frightened, then strengthen that aspect and play the two lonely souls' voices in a duet.

    In a hug and a kiss we'll discuss our new day -
    the darkness milder still as I ponder....
    "Our day...."
    ^^^ here it is resolved for the speaker & only the speaker finding promise of solace in this new companionship. If each of the lovers are emerging from profound depression, it is only hinted at. The poem could enunciate their prisons of emotional destitution & indicate how each of them are impacted by the new relationship.

  • 13 years ago

    by Zar Eldeen

    I love the calm and serenity that emanates from this poem.
    Apparently, the night was magical, and the new day begins with a lot of tenderness. Simple but beautiful, 5/5