Comments : Am I dreaming?

  • 12 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Awww Matt I loved this! A very beautiful tribute to what sounds like a beautiful lady.

    Your opening stanza was so sweet and senstive you let her know right away the qualities you loved about her.

    I love your love poems! Great job!

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    This is a great piece,

    I have one suggestion
    Instead of saying IF I am dreaming why not make it more into the question type

    Am I dreaming or am I awake?

    Your beauty:
    Unreal
    Your laughter:
    Divine
    It's hard to tell,
    am I dreaming,
    or am I awake?

    and one the next one.. I'm not sure if changing the forever might alter the meaning but I will leave the author to ponder on that.
    Instead of saying "forever out of my reach", why not say " out of my reach forever." or add a comma so that the reader can make a bigger stop at absent, then he/she can continue reading and the Forever out of my reach will not sound out of place.

    With a crushing heart I wander
    in the light of day,
    Lost
    Blind,
    and never found
    for you are absent and
    out of my reach forever.

    Then on the next stanza, I'm curious.
    Is it supposed to be are you in my arms rather than you are in my arms? It sounds like if you are asking her a question why is she only present during the nights instead of the day. And I as the reader, I found it intriguing because I would have assumed that this stanza was telling the reader and her that she is there with you. This is how my mind was picturing when I was reading it, so weird. My mind its playing tricks on me. But later, I noticed what came first, the are you rather than you are in that stanza.

    Only in the black of night
    are my heart's demands
    finally met
    for only then,
    you are in my arms
    for only then
    you are
    forever present
    and never
    out of my reach

    Thought, I like the the are you rather than the you are..

    The last stanza leaves the reader thinking as well. who knows? and my thoughts, she might be both.

    well done,

  • 12 years ago

    by Mattias Ostling

    Thanks a lot for the feedback, and I suppose I'll respond to it here. The first stanza had me puzzled for quite some time. Grammatically I need to have "whether I'm dreaming or awake. But I didn't like the flow, and I use whether later, so I skipped that. So I went with the second best, which is an "if clause". The verb "tell" requires me to either choose an if clause or whether (whether being prefered). So I'd have to write it
    Am I dreaming, or am I awake
    It is hard to tell
    If I went with what you suggested.
    Also, I prefered to use a statement (hard to tell, etc) rather than a question.

    Forever needs to be before out of my reach in order to keep the grammar correct, I also used that perticular word because I'm a big fan of it's semantic and pragmatic meaing, and it's syllable count. It's supposed to be slightly stressed when reading it, and a slight pause after "and" on the sentence before that one.

    Once again, chose "are you" in order to keep it grammatically correct. When using the phrase "Only then" the word order is reversed. So it'll be "only then are you XXX" "only then am I xxx" "only then is she xxx".

    Thank you so much for the analysis though, and the feedback! I love to be questioned by of why I chose specific words and constructions!

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    You are welcome,
    Thanks for the clarifications.
    I now know why.

  • 12 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    You have wriiten a beautiful piece as always. Your love poems are captivating, i can relate to this i also had to rely on my dreams a while back to experience some sought of unreal reality. Amazing

  • 12 years ago

    by TJ Arizona Eagle

    Haha dang wish I had written this..Excellent and I would have loved to have penned this for someone I admire

    Excellent bro