Comments : Virgo: The Sardonyx Jewel

  • 11 years ago

    by Britt


    This was my favorite poem of the contest (sorry, others. This was spoke to me. lol). There were aspects of it that just hit me emotionally... it is truly a beautiful piece.

    The words/traits that you placed didn't look forced, it looked as though the words were made for you to just put into this poem. I love how you made every flow together so smoothly. I really adored the imagery of the jewel being nestled - nestled really is a great word. So soft, comforting.

    Your second stanza brings out the 'flaws' in a way that still seems pretty, which is odd because those flaws aren't associated with beauty most often lol. I just like the phrasing and found it wonderfully done.

    In the third stanza I believe is what spoke to me the most. It just clicked somewhere in my head, perhaps it's that I share brown eyes with your poem! haha. Something about it just truly worked with and for me!

    I feel the ending you were trying to find a good way to close, and it doesn't seem as strong as the others... the first stanza was definitely a strong, strong opening. BEAUTIFUL!

  • 11 years ago

    by Melpomene


    I really like the term 'lovers token' something about it interests me endlessly. I've never really heard it before. With this poem I think I was most fond of how universal it felt, of course that was do with the contest but you made it feel 'earthy' which works well with the sign itself. I have to say I agree with Britt, you made the flaws seem really lovely, they were meshed in well with all the beauty of your words.

    'meticulously harsh' I love this sound, when I read them poem out loud this line was sharp which worked well with what you were saying. I think the tone of this was what drew me in. You had a modest voice.

    Personally I would have added a bit more punctuation throughout the poem. As you use some lovely descriptions and words I found it hard to know where to stop and where to begin, where to take a breath and so on. I noticed you capitalized parts of the poem however the full stops weren't evident.

    As for the title I'd just name it 'The Sardonyx Jewel' or 'Virgo' instead.


  • 10 years ago

    by WW

    One poem describing one person done in such a way that REALLY stands out. Awesome picture! I have no suggestions title works great, my favorite stanza is the third one, it really pops out to me. 5/5