Comments : A reverie (revised)

  • 9 years ago

    by L

    Aww, this piece is sad.
    But there is so much love in it.

  • 9 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    This poem is so elegant, and heartfelt... the sadness can be felt but also the feeling of happy memories... the poem is so beautiful... very nice~

  • 9 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    Awesome poem lonely soul. Such a beautifully sad poem- hits you right in the heart. Nice work friend.

  • 9 years ago

    by Hellon

    I did like your title...very fitting to the poem but...can you count the number of I's you have used? Most are not necessary...

    I walk slowly
    lost in somber thoughts
    beneath a half moon sky
    amongst sleeping willows

    Slowly walking by
    I'm lost..etc..

    Feet tread an icy path, lit up
    only by a soft glow
    of evanescent memories
    as I stumble
    to find my way

    Stumbling..would be enough?

    I suddenly see
    an evanescent shape
    mirrored upon a lake
    or, was it just a passing cloud
    a shimmering Luna

    This whole stanza isn't necessary and adds nothing to the poem?

    Perhaps, a deja vu, or was
    it the silvery luminescence
    of an angel's face

    Maybe in deja vu and it should be off an angel's face

    A tranquil breeze
    whistling in my ears
    stirs up
    pensive thoughts
    of a love

    A lambent face
    impregnated in my mind
    filled with mischief, and
    unspoken words
    that tear up my heart
    from a love I never got

    I never got...a love lost is more poetic in my mind?

    A smile, like no other
    that I treasure
    deep within my heart
    to this day
    and will, forever

    That I...could be replace with treasured?

    Sometimes, I wish
    I could touch the moon
    And steal its moonshine

    But, this is only my reverie....
    a daydream of a fool
    who lost his sunshine
    many moons ago


    You haven't posted in a while and....these are just my thoughts

  • 9 years ago

    by Hellon

    Just going to focus on your first two stanzas for now..if that's ok?

    I walk slowly
    lost in somber thoughts
    beneath a half moon sky
    amongst sleeping willows


    This has no dimension to it IMO.starting a poem off with I annoys me...sorry...and...there's nothing there to keep my interest...

    Slowly walking
    alone, with sombre thoughts
    'neath a half moon
    I stroll amist sleeping willows???

    Feet tread a broken path, lit up
    by a soft glow
    of ephemeral memories
    as thoughts struggle
    to find a way around

    Once more feet tread a broken path
    the soft glow...ephemeral memories
    as thought struggle
    to find their way...

    Just some thoughts...

  • 9 years ago

    by Decayed

    Hands, ready to grab the moon
    and steal its moonshine

    ^ I had to stop at these two lines and say: wow! I really like the scenery you have drawn before my eyes especially that it is night in here :)

    David, what is better than your comments are your pieces.

    I have to tell you that the end,,,, I haven't expected that at all! It was a shocker. I mean 95% of the poem, i was daydreaming with you... I felt even like walking on the moon. But then, in the end, all changed.


  • 9 years ago

    by Innocent Fairy

    Wow I can definitely say this is better still a little of somewhere but perhaps in the breaking of flow but great write none the less and I enjoyed reading it,,I love the word choice :) great scenery

    My comment before revised---

    This feels to me a beautiful picture but a broken puzzle,,it's greatly and amazingly worded and really pulls you in to an abstract dream full of wonders and a glow and a great full moon,,,so great job with scenery :)

  • 9 years ago

    by Half Husband Half father

    Its very beautiful sad poem, nice use of imagery loved ur style 5/5 :-)

  • 8 years ago

    by Robert Gardiner

    An Elequent and Wxquisite Write!!!