Then that came fateful day came,
Tears falling from your beautiful grey eyes,
All lost and without a sound you tell me it's time we part,
Holding out your hands you hand me back my heart.........

.....remove the first "came" in line 1....loved the part he hands you back your heart, though it felt strange in that it was like you literally removed your heart for safe keeping and he is now handing it back....

Another thing that was confusing, was the first line..i dont know why you had to use eternity..maybe i thought was coz this had some fairytale theme but i would suggest you change that line. Overall, the last stanzas were amazing, the rhyming was beautifully written.

Hahaha well sorry i had to laugh at the title
You are brilliant for choosing that title for this poem
first of all i like you opening but i agree with Paul about how eternity was a lil bit confusing at the start but soon after it came clear for me that u are putting this in a tale way so eternity is common use in this kind of things

and i love the emotion in this poem really really like it a lot
the image is painted right after reading the first lines
your words work like magic in that haha

"Then that came fateful day came,"
make it
"then that fateful day came,"

"Crying at the great loss I took,"
choosing verb took here was a mistake
cause loss u have not take
and i suggest u make it
"Crying at this great loss"
better for me

over all good write
5/5 keep writing =)

Lovely poem good job:)

Am surely gonna drop dis poem in my ex's inbox.. this poem speaks all dat i wanted to tell him thanx alot for sharing dis poem...
keep writing my friend..

Firstly I'm sorry you had to go through all of this.
Second it's a beautiful poem.

What really caught my attention was your title 'happily never after'. It is splendid. I have never heard of it so it was very unique to me...I wanted to know why is it a happily never after..

Although I loved the title, I didn't find it wire fitting with the poem. Are you happy that it is a never after but then again you say in your poem that you are heart broken and sad. But this might just be me...

In your poem I can see how much you loved this person,, how this person made everything alright and how painful it was when he/she left you.

I would also like to tell you two things mori chan..
First, I loved the line 'shiver in delight'...I can imagine how happy you most have been. Although we all (or maybe only both of us) shiver when we are extremely extremely happy, I've never ever heard anyone use it. So it just reminded me of all the times when I start shivering because I'm high with joy..

Second,
"Then that came fateful day came"
I found this a little or maybe completely off. I guess you wanted to say:
Then came that fateful day or
Then that fateful day came

Well that's it.
I loved this poem and I hope you never have to go through something like this again mori chan.