Comments : You Changed My Life

  • 10 years ago

    by Xanthe

    Beautiful.. I could clearly see the improvement, Mery. Hm, I'm jealous, whoever you wrote this for must be really special :)

    'I used to walk alone
    Along the pathway of life;
    nowhere to go and
    darkness shadows the light.'
    ^ Nice start. The use of semi-colon was well-placed. Usually, I'd say the last line is redundant since it's obvious that 'darkness shadows the light', but it works here so I'm not criticizing you for that. I like how you started this with 'I used...' it kind of allows the reader to grasp what you are saying (at least for me).

    'I used to live in life
    that hope was buried;
    dreams were frazzled
    and like a dust
    scattered in the wind.'
    ^ It's great that you're taking advantage of imagery and presenting a metaphor/simile at the same time. Lovely. My suggestions here: an article (a) before 'life'; make 'dust' plural, so remove 'a' before it, and you don't need 'and' before 'like'. It would be more powerful without it.

    'I used to ruin the world
    where my soul was only left alive;
    my heart rusted with hatred and
    my blood caroused with hopeless wine.'
    ^ The first line is a hyperbole, but it works to an extent so it's fine with me. The second line made me think that the persona is dead perhaps since it was presented that only her 'soul' was there. I like the third line. Rusted with hatred? Why haven't I thought about that? lol
    Also the fourth line was nice. Caroused was well-chosen, I think. Just a little tip I think you could use in the future: don't use too much abstract imagery, in this case, 'hopeless wine', but it works here so don't change it.

    'I used to think about
    tomorrow was shredded forever;'
    ^ There's something 'wrong' here, I think. 'About' is unneeded in my opinion. I didn't fully understand the idea behind 'shredding', perhaps you meant 'gone'? A little revision would do, I guess.

    'the time was faded on my palm and
    no more sun to shines
    nor moon to light'
    ^ Lovely imagery. The idea was great too. I just think the last two lines didn't work too well here. Revise

    '...Until you came my friend
    and changed my life...'
    ^ I love the ending. Really sweet, Mery. Just a comma after 'came'.

    Great write. Keep writing!
    -X

  • 10 years ago

    by Tina

    Veryy nize :)

  • 10 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    Such beautiful words for the that very special friend..i loved every part of this poem..so nicely written..i wish to write something like this.. *_*

  • 10 years ago

    by Paul Gondwe

    Wow, i dont know you had written such a wonderful piece about me..lol..Everything about this is amazing.

    • 10 years ago

      by Yrem Crish

      About you? Haha...you make me laugh ,Paul. Anyway, thanks for the comment. I really appreciate it:))

  • 10 years ago

    by Joy Helberg

    Lovely poem

  • 10 years ago

    by Amreen

    A great poem.... great words used and a good imagery put up... ur friend is lucky to have u and so do u^^
    Good work

  • 10 years ago

    by ArtistrySoul

    I agree, this was a great write :)

    Sometimes we are always aware that someone who comes along can change your life in an instant, even tho you already have friends previously..etc It just shows that you may have friends you known for a long time but there's always someone that comes into your life unexpected and makes you feel amazing about yourself, cares for you a lot, is always there no matter what to listen and some how you intend to have more fun with that person than anyone else.

  • 10 years ago

    by Yakori bint Muhammed

    This is brilliantly penned. I love your metaphors, very crisp. The message behind this is an experience one goes in life. A journey of friendship can be sweet and bitterly sour. It all depends on the friend involved. We meet a stranger during childhood or when grown and instantly, a deep bond is rooted. Some friendship, stay till eternity and such are planted from beyond. One connects so well like a family with such encountered. And on the other side, we unfortunately get mingled with dishonest ones too. Whom pretend to be whom they're not, hence, winning your trust and betraying ones loyalty at the end. So friends come and go always, very few are pure and real gems. When we meet such, we hold on to part no more. An awesome piece. Attractive to the mind and holds a show of gratitude; how a miserable and aimless life found a purpose to be happy, through a friend. *Claps* :-)