Comments : My End, Without You

  • 11 years ago

    by Purple Rose

    Wow. When I read this, it sounds like you are taking breaths and for each of those breaths you can only say a little at a time. That's what I imagine anyway :)

    I really like this poem. It reminds me of someone dying, which you intended (the title).

    "Are you listening?
    I'm losing it
    I'm drowning
    I'm unfit"

    ^I think this part shows the greatest emotion. When I read this, I think of a person who has revolved her whole life around a single human being. And you love this human-it shows immensely. You don't want to be abandoned because you are afraid that you will not be able to love again? I don't know (I have a tendency to read into people's poems). Sorry

    Beautiful poem. You expressed wariness and fear of being abandoned well. Excellent
    5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Love your style of writing, it's very simple but has a big impact. You seem to take those simple words and convey your emotions with a few words. I like the honesty and how your heart is confessing in this piece too, you still love this person but you're asking them to fix them. My only suggestion is to create more original images, I'm not saying include all these descriptive words or metaphors, there were just a few lines that I felt weren't as strong, like the walls falling down, I feel like that's such a common portrayal, why was it unique to you? But the part I did think was effect was the ending of a stanza where you said "I'm unfit". Emotional and expressive.

    Keep your hopes high up :]