Comments : Pallet of Beautiful

  • 11 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    A marvelous piece of coulors. I truely loved how it's penned! You're always brilliant my friend and I hope you be always like that.

    See a pallet of beautiful
    Colours shining bright
    Yellows, blues and greens
    Such a lovely sight

    The plurals property of colors make them attractive

    A world of colour
    Green as like the grass
    Blue as the wide ocean
    A rainbow shining through glass

    'A world of colors' sounds better as plural
    and 'as like' both words have the same meaning, so you better remove 'like'
    provided you've to give examples for the rest of colors of rainbow thereafter finish that with 'A rainbow shining through glass'

    Pink as an afternoon sky
    Brown as a baby sparrow
    Red like fresh spilled blood
    Black as an alley so narrow

    Just the red color has to be exemplified with some other attractive thing (like red rose,..etc) and not horrible (like blood) because everything here is beautiful but the blood sometimes makes the reader jump out of the poem

    Yellow, the colour of a daffodil
    Grey like a rainy-weathered sky
    Orange like a bright taxi-cab
    White, where fresh snow can be spied

    Oh What a nice thought Sherden! The is a pretty good. I loved that.
    The use of 'as' is better than 'like' throughout the poem

    See a pallet of beautiful
    Of colours that fill the mind
    But all I see is the shade of black
    Because since birth, I've been blind

    'since birth' you have to clarify which birth 'since the birth' or 'since my birth'

    Finally, another piece which is worth nominated.
    Nice ending with 'blind'.

  • 11 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    I don't think Birth needs any clarification, we all understand what you mean and it would disturb the flow of the last stanza...

    I love how you tried to get inside the life of the blind, difficult to imagine life without colour...

    My only criticism would be that the way the colours were described is cliche, I guess that to these people, that is how they'd hear people describe the ocean etc...it just doesn't give much to the eye as a reader.

    and that the capitalisation of each line is distracting...it doesn't need to be done but a minor detail

    You have potential...and heart, which is always a bonus

    x

  • 11 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Wow, the simplicity of this piece is amazing. The rhymes don't feel forced at all. Though some of the examples of color are a tad bit bland the idea was excellent, as was the style.