Comments : Tick-tock;

  • 7 years ago

    by Khalid

    Great work! I always like your style, few word hitting a large target.

    ^^^
    Eyes close in peace
    on the dot at half four.

    'at half past four' or you may mean something else

    Your goodbyes said;
    your heart slows to cease.

    Choosing the semicolon is questionable.
    The difference in the tenses in 'said' and 'shows' and 'to cease'.
    Maybe you mean
    'Your goodbyes are saying
    your heart seems to cease'

    He is standing at the door.
    Lifeless form lies on the bed;
    your soul is given its release.

    Again the semicolon!
    Maybe you'd add 'saying' before 'your soul'

    Finally, I enjoyed reading the story meant in the poem. A little repair can make it superior piece, although I understood the meaning. I like your choice of the title, it's quite attractive.

  • 7 years ago

    by PinkyPrincess

    Wow, this poem is short but full of emotions.

    I like how you wrote "on the dot at half four" .. it made it more interesting than simply stating the time.

    It was a dark and sad poem.. I'm thinking that this about someone who knows they're going to die, as you wrote that he/she already said their goodbyes.

    Good job :)

  • 7 years ago

    by Jenna Bella Oldridge

    When a short poem is done well it manages to hit the reader hard and that is exactly what this did. You didn't beat around the bush or try to be fancy you were direct in what you were saying and the feel of the poem really comes to life as the reader reads on. This piece was faultless.

    5/5

  • 7 years ago

    by Amy

    I have always been fascinated by short poems, especially when they say a lot. I love how the imagery here is so vivid.
    After reading the title, I literally had a tick-tock sound in my mind as I started to read this poem. It is weird, I know, haha. But it made me love this even more. When I reached the end however, it's like the ticking sound ceased at once and it made it sadder than ever. The emotions that overcome the reader is so saddening and very effective.
    Something I've noticed that I thought I should bring up to your attention:
    The verb close in the first verse should be in its past tense, I believe.
    That said, I am in love with this poem.

  • 7 years ago

    by just ashley

    Very sad short write. I know what it is like to loose someone to death..

    Eyes closed in peace
    on the dot at half four.
    *maybe to make it run together better change it to half past four? just an idea

    Your goodbyes said,
    your heart slowed to cease.
    *maybe add an "a" before cease

    He is standing at the door.
    Lifeless form lies on the bed;
    your soul is given its release.

    sad good write. really loved it. keep writing. i really like reading your stuff!

  • 7 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    How sad Alisha...

    There was definately emotion in here...almost choked with the tears hun. Short but well penned.

    xxx