Comments : Baradah, the drying river (Quatern)
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11 years ago
by Amreen
Very good attempt sir... emotionally captivating because you depict the longingness of baradah to be perrenial again which once has been a splendid nature gift for you...
Amazing:)-
11 years ago
Thank you Amreen. You can't imagine how dear is Baradah river for me. There I spent most of my childhood and it's still carved in my memory.
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11 years ago
Well done. Lines & syllables correct, refrain progresses properly. I like your rhythm also; your rhyme scheme is consistent, but I feel that some of your word choices feel like you forced the rhyme more than you wanted that particular word. Examples: life-rife, river-quiver, shoes-choose.
May I suggest the following changes or considerations?
Fourth line:
"Near your riversides lives will rife"
^Try "life is rife"
Eighth line:^
"It's only you they've had to choose"
^ who has had to choose, why?
Ninth line:
"Your water, the disappearing"
^ drop the comma & change "the" to "is"
Tenth line:
"Will it be, again, appearing?"
^ drop the commas
Twelfth line:
"Secrets lie inside your quiver"
^ "quiver" is a hanging metaphor - you have no other connection to archery-
11 years ago
Thank you Larry, I've made the changes accordingly.
Inside you, where I lost my shoes,
It's only you they've had to choose
The word 'they' refers to the shoes. I meant the shoes have had chosen the river to fall in.
For the twelfth line 'Secrets lie inside your quiver', I wonder if I can change it to read 'Secrets you always deliver', I need your opinion.
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11 years ago
The issue becomes the 'secret' at that point. Give some thought to building the river as the source of a mystery. I would eliminate the shoe issue & use that space to introduce the mystery concept. Of course, this is merely my opinion.
