Comments : Her Day

  • 10 years ago

    by Autumn Leaves

    This is a very good poem, I like how you pull the readers in, by setting a scene that can easily be picture. Describing the emotions and feelings that your characters were experiencing also makes it easier for others to relate to this write. I think that this is a simple, but sweet and tender piece.

    Nicely written...AL

  • 10 years ago

    by L

    I actually like this one more than your rhyme poems :)

    This one, at least for me, painted a vivid image of the girl as well as it made me connect with her. I also like the way you showed the feeling she was experiencing. Good

  • 10 years ago

    by Redangelwings

    This poem makes me feel so at peace inside. I love the beautiful imagery you bring to life again. The ocean or beach is a very lovely place to write about. It can really make love come alive and heal a hurt heart. I love the twist at the end as well because you make it seem like she is all alone and then at the end you have her meet her other half. I love this poem. I wish I could nominatelove poems. I think of it highly. 5/5

  • 10 years ago

    by Skys Gal

    Wow this is so beautiful, I love it, this really cheered me up, wonderful description and word play, outstanding writing, you are truly talented, bravo bravo, and two thumbs up!!

  • 10 years ago

    by Burning Angel

    This is a really great poem. I couldnt stop rereading the poem :)

  • 10 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I always envy a free flow like this, and the imagery is outstanding .

  • 10 years ago

    by Britt

    I really like this piece. I think it definitely is very different, and I know you mentioned it being out of your comfort zone, but I think it worked really well for you!

    I would work on the rhythm a little bit - your lines break at interesting places, but you don't follow through each line with similar pacing. For example:

    'beautiful dark silhouette lays by
    her side"

    and then a few lines down you do the same thing, breaking of for two syllables "her ears". It breaks the flow of the poem a little, so I would suggest something like:

    'The sun is setting and this
    beautiful, dark silhouette lays by
    her side. She starts to walk
    at the waters edge, and
    listen to the white caps echo inside
    her ears. Her nerves are calm,
    as footsteps leave temporary beauty
    in the sand...'

    You can absolutely do a full stop yet continue on in the same line :)

    One thing that threw me off that was fixed in the revision above I did was

    "Her nerves are calm as footsteps
    leave temporary beauty in
    the sand."

    I thought you meant her nerves are as calm as footsteps, like a simile, but I was reading wrong, because you meant different. I would either change the spacing, or add punctuation (or both, like I showed you above).

    You really show so much promise, it's just fine tuning the logistics of it all :) The content is all there, and sometimes that can be the hardest part. You're improving so much, so definitely keep it up! This is one of the best I've read! :)