Comments : Divine Picturesque

  • 10 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Oh this is beautiful!!! My apologies Amereen for such small comment.. but I'm truly speechless!

  • 10 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Haha I was just going to say Andrea needs to read this and I saw she already has.

    This is just beauiful Amreen, I pictured everything, I got in touch with this characters feels, like it was me diving into it and getting in touch with my dreams...

    Very nice job with this challenge. You created a really enjoyable nature piece!

  • 10 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I almost want to say the first two stanzas were too much description. Too many words in one sitting. Also it was easy to notice how two lines ran into the next and used a noun "of" another noun. I would suggest not using "of" so much that close together, or finding another way to phrase without needing a filler or relying on one.

    My mind is going back and forth between that. It works but isn't as polished as it could be? Maybe that's the word I'm searching for.

    I noticed as well the second stanza is written in past tense. "I could eye", shouldn't that be "I can see" since you are relating what you are experiencing now in the moment?

    "I wish to feel the flow it possess
    when it drains from the top
    which gives it the majestic greatnes"

    - Was a bit confused with this. There was some vagueness I felt like with "drains from the top". Top of what? You were talking about the seed and that seed being in your mind? Give a clearer picture here perhaps.

    "possess" should be "possesses"
    "greatnes" should be "greatness".

    "Fears grip my mind
    yet adventure suppresses it
    as I destine for the plunge."

    - Reminds me of a leap for faith. This is vivid and gives the reader that excitement and sense of adrenaline. I've actually never heard of "destine" before so that was neat how I learned from you there.

    "A sense of freedom encompasses me
    as I splash through the cool aqua
    heading for the call of my heart."

    - These are probably my favorite lines; they're just so refreshing to read and feel natural. "The call of my heart" feels wild and like you are young, proud of it, proud to pursue that voice you have silenced before.

    "The flight of my dreams
    pierces the fabric of pessimism
    as I dive downwards for a raised esteem."

    - Also thought these lines were clever, how you dive downwards yet this is where your spirit will be raised up. You need this fresh breath of air. To fall to get up. Good contrast presented here.

    "I immerse in the pond-shaped creek
    decorated with the fresh vapours of liquid ice
    yet filled with tranquil."

    - "pond-shaped creek" really did nothing for me visually... .it seemed like you could just one over the other, since ponds and creeks are both bodies of water. Maybe use a color here or personify it with an emotion/expression?

    Also, "tranquil" is a adjective so you'd have to write "tranquility"
    Not sure "filled with tranquility" can do as much for the reader as other words could. Fill is a good word to show the depth of something, but we have witnessed already how these waters will so to speak, heal you. Maybe you could write "promise" or "emit" to make it more personable.

    Swimming rejoicement,
    smiles compliment my state
    drenching my heart with utter happiness.

    - It's very different in my mind to say "swimming rejoicement", but I like the unique wording here. Automatically I was thinking, oh "swimming in rejoicement", but no, you are actually doing the action.
    - I didn't think the second line was as powerful for the conclusion as it could be. Like you could do more with a few words instead of "compliment my state", that seemed to state the obvious. Maybe give one last visual of your eyes lighting up or laughter echoing, a sound or some other visual.

    - I liked how "drenching my heart" was used in such a positive way since I guess one could write it about sadness or alcohol drowning one's heart, but here it is used in a hopeful manner.

    Enjoyed how little punctuation there was here, it seemed easy and free-flowing, like there were little restrictions yet it made sense, made the heart at ease.

    Intriguing write with a lot of imagery, emotion and thought put into this. My suggestions were just in my opinion, you are the author of this piece. Thanks for sharing, not everyday I read a nature poem!

  • 10 years ago

    by Meme

    It feels like a dream, it feels like a place I want to go to and stay there for a while. It feels like breathing a fresh clean breath of air. I love it, and I love the choice of words you have. This is beyond amazing.

    Perfectly penned.


  • 10 years ago

    by Ingrid

    Wow, Amreen.....that was worded perfectly:)

    Really, really well done by you!


  • 10 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    Wow! This is excellent Amreen.. I dont know much to comment abt the poem,because its beyond what i am able to analyse.,, well done dear!

  • 10 years ago

    by LittleMermaid

    Wow! This is excellent Amreen.. I dont know much to comment abt the poem,because its beyond what i am able to analyse.,, well done dear!