Comments : Passion

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I do have a few suggestions which I hope you don't mind. They are all in my opinion of course and you don't have to regard them. Firstly, work on punctuation a bit. For example, in the first line:

    "As you lie next to me breathing slowly,"
    - There seems to be a natural pause after "me", so possibly add a comma

    "i realize.
    This moment is perfect."
    - The period here does not seem needed and breaks the flow in my opinion. You could add a comma, colon or no punctuation.

    "When your lips meet mine for the millionth time today,
    I realize how much is pent up."
    - I like the idea of this line and giving an actual number of the kisses, but maybe you could elaborate on what is pent up or how long you have been holding emotions in?

    "My kisses stray to your bare neck,
    and you hover over me."
    - Gentle, soft images. I imagine this person hovering over you as a "guardian" perhaps.

    "With the fire in your eyes,
    you kiss me again.
    Sweet and gentle yet forceful."
    - I would take out the period in the second line. Also the last line is a contradiction? I see where you're going with this but it seems cliche.

    "As the child walks down the hall,
    we compose ourselves and force the passion inside to be put to rest."
    - Interesting how you add more to the scene at the end. Maybe give the reader an earlier look into the setting? Also, maybe write "a child" instead of "the child" if you are not naming anyone specific.

    "But only for now."
    - A very playful line! To emphasis even more that you will meet this love again and that passion will be ignited, maybe add an ellipses at the end or put this in parenthesis to show you won't stay hidden.