Comments : The man is just a boy

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    Minor corrections:

    First line: "Cant" ----> "Can't"
    Second line: "out weighs" ---> "outweighs"
    Fourth line: "its" ----> "it's"

    This was a powerful and quite haunting read. It's neat how some of your lines were simply stand-alone thoughts, a few words but they spoke volumes.

    "The body of a man and the heart of a boy"

    - Thought this line was interesting. Goes deeper into how we grow and mature, yet a part of us may still be lost in that innocence, in that youth. What was also interesting was the mystery in this piece, that you want revenge and are ready to fight, yet you feel weak, maybe abused, vulnerable. All you want is to get rid of the pain in any way. Trying to figure it out.

    My one suggestion is to possibly experiment more with form? Break into stanzas if you wish, or even put certain words in parenthesis or a separate line for emphasize.

    Like you could write:
    "Play with me more
    (I'm just a toy)."

    Or even put dashes between certain phrases. Simply a suggestion as I think there's a lot of inner turmoil and pain in this piece, which shows, but you could make it like inner dialogue too where you are realizing your will, etc.