Comments : Missing Home

  • 9 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This is a very reflective poem to read. It's personal, real, and heartwarming. I think (and hope) that we all have that connection we can make and always remember, wherever "home" is and what it means to us.

    I'll comment stanza by stanza if you don't mind...

    "It's smelling the odor of coffee
    teasing the nose to wake up.
    Rising, not really looking where I go;
    just wanting paradise.
    Then suddenly reality kicks in and I realized,
    I'm not home anymore."

    - Just a friendly suggestion, but I believe there's too much description here and unnecessary words. You could make more of an impact with (just an example):

    It's coffee,
    teasing me to wake up"

    - Or you could say "that bitter coffee" in that "..." mug" to be more specific and make it more relevant to you, more intimate. I suggest taking "odor of" since you already stated you are smelling, so simply write what you are smelling. Let yourself go straight into the poem without such introductions. I also think mentioning the nose is obvious since you are smelling the aroma, so go deeper as to what the coffee prompts you to do.

    - "realized" should be "realize" if you're staying in present tense.

    "By choice I came to this point in my life.
    Knowing that, I shouldn't complain though
    it doesn't ease the longing in my heart."

    - This is too vague in my mind. Maybe write something about the choices you made, or simply say "I chose this point".
    - Take out "knowing that" and "though". They seem to be filler words.

    "My mum and dad taught me the real meaning
    of "home".
    Whether it's in the city or country
    my home will always be where they are."

    - This is beautiful and so meaningful. Family is everything.

    "Fate has great things in store
    now it's all up to me,
    duty cannot always battle with my inner self.
    All that's left is a prayer...
    for the days to pass...

    So I can finally go home."

    - The first two lines almost seem like a contradiction to me? I like thinking about it though. That you believe in fate and things happening for a reason, yet you still have a part in life. Leading it, reacting to it.

    "duty cannot always battle with my inner self."

    - A very thought-provoking line. I wonder if this is the duty others place on you or the duty you summon?

    The ending seems hopeful, like you are fighting to return.