Comments : Pass present to Future

  • 8 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Nice to see you here again!
    I like the subtle development here through the verses, from nostalgia during heartfelt loneliness to the alternative of giving up and finally to stating the imperative that a new, interdependent relationship must be built. Beautiful expression of maturation and accepting the possibility of splitting, even though painful, if matters are not set right.

  • 8 years ago

    by BlueJay

    Dried upon my face
    these memories remain...
    like a whisper in a crowd
    you cling to the air in my lungs

    ^ I love this stanza, you were able to establish a clear, unique voice and capture the full attention of a reader. I especially love the third and fourth lines, there's just something about them that enticed me - inspired me. Plus they help create your tone just a little bit as well. Great introductory stanza.

    let me breathe--

    ^ This is a wonderfully done transition. I love the style it gives the piece, especially when the format gets repeated later on.

    Suffocate? No communicate with
    the language you babbled into
    my heart years ago.
    Scribble me more love notes..please
    I'm still that hopeless girl
    looking for my lover's arms

    ^ And now we get to the heart of the piece, the story begins to unfold and now the tone is fully established alongside a beautiful sense of emotional imagery, something so easy to do but rarely created so beautifully.

    Falling from my thoughts
    these memories become lost
    like shadows hanging against the moon
    you cease to exist

    ^ I feel like this stanza needs some sort of punctuation somewhere since every other stanza does. Maybe something after the third line? Otherwise this one left me speechless.

    let me forget you--

    ^ I have pretty much already explained this one and how it adds life to the piece, but I especially like how you changed the wording.

    Suffer? No discover the
    remnants of a shattered atmosphere
    we called our world.
    Design me another universe..please
    I'm no longer that hopeless girl
    longing for a liar's charm.

    ^ Woah, so your use of a single word question throughout the piece is interesting. IT keeps up your sense of voice and poetic style. Again, your descriptions are phenomenal. Beautiful ending, I love how you were able to show so much growth within the piece, while still making it coherent and well worth the read.

    Great job :)

  • 8 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    From sadness and pain of a lost love to a strong and made up mind of a heart that never wants to remember a false love. Each stanza holds memories and the sadness is felt and your voice is vibrant throughout the write...touching.

    Hope all is well with you...take care.

  • 7 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    This is a delicate piece of poetry, beautifully written.