Comments : Siren's song

  • 7 years ago

    by Mr. Darcy


    I like the layout of this with the repeated 'remember'. The title 'Siren song' is intriguing and I guess I will need to read more to establish its meaning...

    I wish to be the ocean waves
    that hush you to sleep at night,
    I like the music in these two lines. The imagery of the ocean waves moving in and out and creating the sand/ stones to rub against each other is great. Personally, the waves keep me awake, but I can imagine if I lived by the sea they would soothe me that send me off to dreamland.

    but my voice is nothing but
    the dying sizzle of static
    through tangled earplugs,
    and if you're there,
    eavesdropping for a lullaby,
    So sad. The hypnotic beauty of the sea is inverted and replaced with a poor substitute - weak static, often heard in earplugs. The tangled wire adds to the drama of this being a poor substitute. Good stuff! The melancholy of hope of a sweet sound is sad indeed.

    This word here on its own is a powerful way to hit a word, feeling, image home to this reader. This word is like an echo, repeating itself and etching the image of the first stanza. Excellent!

    'm just a siren without wings
    to shelter you from storms;
    Again, good beat here. The symbolism of a siren without wings is a good one. I imagine this is describing a voice without the ability to assist or cause a positive affect - to keep another safe from harm/ others.

    but fear not, my love,
    I appreciate the language here. It give it a flavour of an old writing style. It also,, lends a tenderness and a feminine quality.

    for it also means your cheeks
    won't be clawed by me,
    A clever twist here in the story. Here you reveal that in order for (your) love to remain safe they need to keep away from (you) a harmful temper.

    lest they feel like a map of scars
    upon the touch of your true love.
    This almost feels like a threat. Do not come to me, or else your scars will tarnish the adoration of a 'true love' - a new love.

    Like a siren, sound moving in and out, like the waves too this repeated word works well.

    that the coin I flipped was a fate
    Remember leading into this line is a good affect.

    I denied, and upon a thousand
    wishing wells, I wished you well,
    Lovely alliteration and super description of a thousand wishing wells. More the better eh?

    with or without my plea for you
    to hold me during winter nights,
    for I cannot blanket you
    when my sun has long died.
    Sacrificing the hearts plea for healing because the knowledge that love (sun) is dead. Letting go is hard to do, but necessary for all.

    Very good write.

    Take care,


  • 7 years ago

    by DarkLight

    Beautiful line.
    beautiful poem.

  • 7 years ago

    by Melpomene

    Your poetry is constantly evolving and I really enjoy that. I've been noticing how you explore a lot of different ideas and techniques, however you don't always abide by the archaic rules, that is traditional poetry, I appreciate that.

    Of course, this is nothing new but I've just noticed you have disregarded past things you used to practice a lot, such as having a "perfect flow". You have a good flow in all of your pieces but I think you make clever choices in your writing and not always is flow your main concern when you write. This piece doesn't have that "perfect flow" we constantly talk about on this site, when reading I was thrown off a couple of times and did have to reread a in order for my mind to follow on with your words. This wasn't a bad thing, it allowed me to search deeper within the poem and find things I had missed the first time reading.

    I love your cleverness.
    "and upon a thousand
    wishing wells, I wished you well,"

    ^This was my favourite. I always love play on words and while this wasn't a massive play on word, it was still clever enough and made me smile.

    There's a lot to love about this piece, it has an elegance and softness to it, reminiscent and longing, something I can relate to. The holding on to something or someone, the wanting to be everything for them, it's painful and that is evident to the reader.