Comments : Sun like heart

  • 4 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Alka,

    Great to read some of your work.
    This is excellent - a great piece about the human spirit. The more we are knocked down, the harder we become and the easier it then becomes to get back up again.
    Well done and all the very best,

  • 4 years ago

    by Meena Krish

    Sorry for not commenting earlier. I did read this and re-read it again and here are my suggestions if you don't mind.

    Undefeated, facing
    hardship, deadlocks
    Exerting with
    Great determination

    ^^There is a bit of a disruption here maybe
    re-writing it another way without loosing your
    intention will help.

    The more tempestuous
    the wind that buffets us
    More we press on
    With stronger faith
    and conviction

    ^^This stanza perhaps "the" at the beginning
    can be removed and add it to the following line so it would make a better flow. Also the word conviction
    at the end kind a cuts off the subtle rhyming. After
    re-reading it I feel the word faith can be omitted.

    Unleashing we

    ^^I feel there is a word missing here..the connection
    is not felt , for instance unleashing what-
    is it strength, faith etc.

    Like the radiant sun
    Illuminating Humankind

    ^^I like the ending here and the sprit of your voice
    perhaps an added word will help.

    For example:

    Facing hardships
    yet undefeated,
    exerting great determination
    to break deadlocks;

    More tempestuous the wind
    that buffet us,
    the more we press on
    with a stronger mind;

    Unleashing strength
    we advance,
    illuminating humankind
    like the radiant sun!

    I hope you don't mind my suggestions...take care and keep penning :)

    • 4 years ago

      by alka mendiratta

      Thank you Meena for helping me grow :)
      Your form has given more meaning to the poem .