Comments : Back to the Surface

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Hello Lucero.

    A sombre piece here, with your typically distinctive style and some lovely, subtle rhyming sprinkled throughout.

    "Back to the surface" certainly strikes me as a positive title and so the first stanza seems to prove. Surfacing from the depths of the ocean to "feel the air and see the sun across the mountains" again. But what were you doing down there?
    *Quick point:"That now I have swam" should be "that now I have swum".

    Second stanza: You weren't miserable down there, despite the advantages (air and sun) of coming back to the surface: "And though I liked to dive...." You talk of swimming the sea of love, so I now know this is an extended metaphor for daring to play the love game! Swimming with the sharks, maybe! And love can certainly feel like that. Far safer to "walk the ground where solitude accompanies (you)".
    Note: "that love have brought to me" - should this be "has brought to me"?

    You are young. Someday (and rightly) you will need to swim the sea of love again - to take a chance and plunge in, as it were. That too, then, is positive to read.

    However, the final couplet takes a sadder tone (to me at least). For when you go back, you believe the love that it held previously for you will have gone or "dried up".

    Lucero, this is excellent, but I hope is not too literal!

    All the very best and stay well,
    Ben

    • 8 years ago

      by Everlasting

      Thank you Ben, I think rather than young... I'm just inexperience in life

  • 8 years ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Well, experience isn't always a good thing....