Comments : Lost

  • 7 years ago

    by Marvellous

    There's always a way, through burden. The worst, is best, on the wrong side.

  • 7 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    "why do you put up with it
    yet you put up with my shit"

    I thought these lines were a tad redundant.
    _______________________

    I was going to continue on with corrections, but I decided to polish it up a bit for you with punctuation and flow. If I changed too much of it, my apologies! Just my suggestions :) The first one is with suggestions for improvement, and the second one is only changes in punctuation, in case you want it to remain aesthetically untouched.

    Lost in thought, lost in soul,
    lost in eyes, lost in a hole.
    Here I am: in front of you,
    lost in your arms but feeling so blue.
    Why did you chose me?
    ***[insert line here for a rhyme with me? Suggestion: I can't quite see.]****
    How do you put up with it,
    and not lose your shit?/or/all of my shit?
    Some days I just don't want to be me.
    I'm broken, I'm scarred
    --I can't be fixed; it must be hard.
    How can you love me?
    How can you look at me
    when I can't even look at myself?
    I'm a lost cause;
    get out while you can
    before I break your heart and soul
    like I have everyone else around me.
    It's my fault, all of it.
    Don't be lost with me.

    ________________________

    Lost in thought, lost in soul,
    lost in eyes, lost in a hole.
    Here I am: in front of you,
    lost in your arms feeling very blue.
    Why did you chose me?
    Why do you put up with it,
    yet you put up with my shit?
    Some days I don't want to be me.
    I'm broken, I'm scarred;
    I can't be fixed. It must be hard.
    How can you love me?
    How can you look at me
    when I can't even look at myself?
    I'm a lost cause;
    get out while you can,
    before I break your heart and soul
    like I have everyone else around me.
    It's my fault, all of it.
    Don't be lost with me.

    _______________________

    As for the aesthetics, it's a poem true to my own feelings... emotions I constantly grapple with myself when I'm around anyone, in love with me or not. It's difficult to see yourself from yourself. In a way, you spend your life inside of a body that you think you know so well, but a simple perspective changes everything. We spend our lives in this skin, but we never see us as we see others, nor how other's see us. Some people meeting us, or loving us, for the first time can know us better than we know ourselves.

    Thank you for a thought-provoking write, and I did enjoy it. I'm going to refrain from voting, so as to not affect your rating, and give you a chance to fix the punctuation errors, if you so choose. Without fixing that, I'd give this a 4/5.

    -IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 7 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Thanks Mate :)
      I hope you dont mind. i fixed the lot as per your suggestions..

  • 7 years ago

    by Em

    Naomi, I can relate to this so much. The feeling of being lost even when the people we love are right next to us, holding us tightly. Sometimes, it's hard to comprehend.

    Hugs, Em