Comments : The Rain in this Drought

  • 5 years ago

    by Em

    Marc, a truly beautiful piece full of heartfelt emotion. Everything fits perfectly.

    I know that our time is like a bomb,
    But even if I know how this will end.
    I will not regret meeting you in this life.
    Because you are the firework that brightened up
    The dark tunnel in my life
    ^^
    Beautiful ending. We all need to find the fir work that brightens up our dark tunnels.

    Em

  • 5 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    This is a wonderful poem, filled with great metaphors that bring the reader on a journey, and leaves us desiring for ourselves what you've found for yourself.

    The only thing I would suggest would be more focus on grammar. The first two lines are clunky because there's a pause, but no punctuation that designates a pause actually should be there.

    My life is like a never-ending tunnel
    It is a terrifying place to be in.

    I would suggest:
    My life is like a never-ending tunnel:
    It is a terrifying place to be in.

    I think you used the wrong word in this line:
    Every step I take in this path is painful,

    I would suggest:
    Every step I take on this path is painful,

    As well, the first letter of every line appears to be capitalized. I would suggest to capitalize according to the beginning of new sentence and the usage of proper nouns. Otherwise, it brings upon the appearance that each line is an entity of its own, and that is not the case with this poem.

    There were a couple instances in which I find you have two independent thoughts attached to each other, but you use a comma. I would suggest using a semi-colon. One such instance would be:

    The light at the end of the tunnel is faint,
    I gave up on escaping this area until I met you.

    I would suggest:
    The light at the end of the tunnel is faint;
    I gave up on escaping this area until I met you.

    Over-punctuating:
    You are like the mysterious ocean because,
    As I go deeper I discover more beautiful things.
    (No comma is necessary between these two lines. The flow is smooth and no pause is necessary.)

    An instance of a comma where a colon would be better placed:
    I have one wish in this moment of time,
    That we can be each other's hand and eye.

    I would suggest:
    I have one wish in this moment of time:
    That we can be each other's hand and eye.

    Over-punctuation:
    But even if I know how this will end.
    I will not regret meeting you in this life.
    (No period is necessary between these two lines).

    Finally, I would suggest not starting a sentence off with because. Perhaps eliminating the period after "life" and utilizing an ellipsis before "because" would suffice.

    Otherwise, this poem is poetically and aesthetically beautiful-- though the grammar could use a little work. I enjoyed it immensely! Particularly the last verse, same as Em!

    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

  • 5 years ago

    by hiraeth

    I like the imagery of this poem, but I think you're spoon-feeding it to the audience and it can be a bit tedious.

    You can opt to 'show' the readers, by omitting details or rephrasing it in a way that you assume the reader knows what you're already talking about it, or focusing on the stimuli (5 senses), for instance instead of saying "it is a terrifying place to be in", you might want to establish how terrifying it is, so say something that shows the reader why it's terrifying so perhaps something like "demons lurk in the shadows whispering hymns".

    A poor example, but I think reading this article will explain it better. http://www.poems-and-quotes.com/article.html?id=651

    All that aside, really touching piece that attests to the power of love. Thank you for sharing! :)

  • 5 years ago

    by Tara

    I love this! Loving even though you know what usually happens. Its very deep, and ends perfectly. Going to send 5/5.

  • 4 years ago

    by Bianca Rincon

    Great piece! Very heartfelt. My favorite lines were definitely these:

    "I know that our time is like a bomb,
    But even if I know how this will end.
    I will not regret meeting you in this life.
    Because you are the firework that brightened up

    The dark tunnel in my life"

    I think you can pull even sharper images in this piece to evoke more emotion if you wanted to. You can go further in describing thorns piercing the body, for example.

  • 4 years ago

    by Michael D Nalley

    I love your style