Comments : To Be Completely Forgotten (Oblivion)

  • 7 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    The following are corrections I'd suggest for this poem:

    After the last petals fall from the flower of love,
    rose thorns and briar's condense me like clouds to a dove.
    Young life living in blissful ignorance,
    but when I stop and appreciate, I'm ensnared by joy's true essence.
    Crippled from saudade memories,
    My soul cracked like porcelain; forced to fake.
    The pain I try to outrun leads me to more levels of Agro's testimony...
    Outside I look jubilant but oblivion reeks from the inside, things I reaped from what I sow.
    I've done my devil's deeds and wonder, "Why unto me?"
    You land all of these bruises- patronizing and frivolously blown.
    Blown to living glass from love's past ash, you see?
    I just don't want to be forgotten. Don't let me slip into sanity.
    "Insane," some say, but I say "Awake and freed from oblivion; not forgotten but set free."

    In order to make it more coherent I made those changes, edited a couple words. I suggest just copying and pasting the edit into the poem.

    It is a strong piece, what I believe to be about the fear of normalcy, of being forgotten, of fading away. A very relatable poem, troubles every person deal with in their lifetime. I honestly have never heard the term "Argo's testimony", and I'm curious as to what that is. I tried to google it, to no avail.

    Also, I would suggest for the poem's title, I would retype it out to be a little more friendly. It is confusing, the way it is now. I'd word it as such:

    To Be Completely Forgotten (Oblivion)

    It would probably attract more visitors so you'd get even more critiques than I!

    All-in-all, wonderful write.
    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

  • 7 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Oops, forgot another change:

    *briars

  • 7 years ago

    by Trevor Hughes

    Ohhhj haha thank you senpai

  • 7 years ago

    by deeplydesturbed

    Trev - I like this. Its very eye opening and real as to how we all feel at some stage in our life.

    My soul cracked like porcelain; forced to fake.
    The pain I try to outrun leads me to more levels of Agro's testimony...

    ^^^
    We all fake some part of our lives in one way or another, whether is our happiness, or faking friends or how good our lives are....
    With the agro's testimony i have no clue what your aiming for - but i feel as though a piece of you may be angry at the pain and your trying to cover it up.. I may be wrong :P

    All in all - very great write!

    • 7 years ago

      by Trevor Hughes

      Thankyou all by Agro's testimony I seen it like _-agro is an intense broken hearted longing lost feeling of like and unquenchable un conscious self hatred from betrayal and abandonment no matter how happy I came and try to do my best I and always falling back with the the testimony of agro is what I have to do and will do to fight for and achieve what I want in my life no matter how hard I will not let this works corrupt me. My most prizes possession is my huge heart. I'm just a love bug and so while I travel along now the testimoney that so the plan and tough things I have to go to to reach my full potential no matter how hard in the end I'll shed my porcelain doing and be free again

  • 7 years ago

    by Trevor Hughes

    Thankyou all by Agro's testimony I seen it like _-agro is an intense broken hearted longing lost feeling of like and unquenchable un conscious self hatred from betrayal and abandonment no matter how happy I came and try to do my best I and always falling back with the the testimony of agro is what I have to do and will do to fight for and achieve what I want in my life no matter how hard I will not let this works corrupt me. My most prizes possession is my huge heart. I'm just a love bug and so while I travel along now the testimoney that so the plan and tough things I have to go to to reach my full potential no matter how hard in the end I'll shed my porcelain doing and be free again

  • 7 years ago

    by Maher

    Trevor, another awesome one dude. Again, like your first poem on here, there's a good flow. This one is more complicated and to me, has more emotion. I can tell it came from the heart - there's a force behind it that can't have been brought about by fluke or just for the hell of writing. It doesn't come across as a rap like the other did, but it can definitely become one. If you have a sound track, I'd love to hear it.

    Thanks for sharing this with us all my friend :)