Comments : Stripped

  • 9 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    This could be a child between a haiku and a senryu. I would suggest it to be as such:

    Stripped of innocence--
    The power within my being
    was stolen by you.

    It is fine as it is, so I don't suggest changing it, but I do like how you really channeled haiku and senryu at the same time!

    Beautiful
    Much love,
    (I voted the other day, but just got around to commenting now)
    5/5
    IdTakeABulletForYou

    • 9 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Thanks EB.
      I am a little confused. First you say change it, then you say dont change it.. :P

  • 9 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    I'm basically letting you know that you did a wonderful job, not to change it, but also informing you of the piece's versatility-- which is impressive.

    Although, please do put a period after the last word!

    :P

    • 9 years ago

      by deeplydesturbed

      Thanks! LOL got a little confused. and edited to add a period.

  • 9 years ago

    by IdTakeABulletForYou

    Oops, I made an error! The alternate version has 8 syllables in line two. Dunno how I missed that, apparently I'm bad with my fingers! Perhaps change it to "in" or "of" or something way out there! :P

  • 9 years ago

    by Em

    Nao, such a short yet sad piece.
    I can't even go into detail but this happens all too often.
    Hugs, Em