I'm anxious that you are going to change your mind about me and about us. I know that you don't know me all too well but I already let you in and I'm scared that the door is open. What if you keep questioning things and I am just stuck here. What if you keep questioning things and I get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. I put on a good face when I talk with you so that you won't just walk away because you think I'm too emotionally involved. I play a good face when I talk to you even though I'm scared that you are going to walk away. I am scared that my anxiety is going to get the best of me and I will freeze up and not be able to handle the idea of being in a relationship with you. I'm scared that I won't trust God enough. That I'm going to get hurt. It's 1:30 in the morning and the last thing you texted me is that you just have a lot going on. I immediately start to read into that and pick it apart. Maybe you have too much going on for me to be in your life right now. How can I pretend to not be a burden. Ah, boy that sounds so fake a deceitful. What do I want? I don't even know what I want right now. God, how do I just stand still. But not the type of standing still that is so passive it just watches life go by. How do I just be present in the moment and try to understand that I'm going to be okay no matter what happens. I know that I have real feelings for you, but am I just manifesting anxiety and fear because I am putting my self-esteem and well-being on the shoulders of how you feel about me? If so, I don't want it. God, how do I have a real relationship. I want to learn how to be present. I want to know how to not run at the thought of being trapped. Yet, I hear you express those fears and I want to do everything I can to make sure you don't run away from me. Why do I do that? How do people have relationships God? I either want to run or make sure the other person isn't going to run. How do I just be comfortable? I wish that someone would just sit me down and tell me that I'm going to be okay and that I'm loved.. just like Robin Williams does to Matt Damond in Goodwill Hunting ha. Every time I meditate and really listen, I hear "you're okay". Am I defective? Am I always going to do this dance in my relationships of being scared of real commitment but comfortable with chasing someone that is hesitant on whether they want to be with me? Do I want to be with me? I'm scared. Is there ever a time where I walk away? Why can't I walk away? I don't want to. But would it ever be too much? Maybe this stuff isn't good for me. Why am I always the one that leaves my heart open for someone else to close? Why am I always the one that thinks I'm not enough?
