Comments : She Precipitates

  • 3 weeks ago

    by - Mr. Darcy

    A wonderful raining cloud with a title that links in superbly.
    Like a cloud full of rain, we cannot move on unless we release our pain. A lovely metaphor. A lovely piece of visual art.
    I'm out of nominations, but I'm sure someone will see this poems worth.
    Excellent!

    • 3 weeks ago

      by S.T.A.R.

      Thank you so much!! I spent some time trying to make it as cloudy as I could :)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Michael

    Beautifully done STAR :)
    Such a lovely poem of a cloud, and nice lmagery, M.
    * just one tiny thing - forth line.. should it read 'when night fell'? *

    • 3 weeks ago

      by S.T.A.R.

      Ooops you are right!! Thank you so much!!
      EDIT: Thank you for the nomination as well :)

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Brenda

    Lovely write and those shape poems are no easy feat. Well done with this-

  • 3 weeks ago

    by Jamie

    The thing I really loved about this poem, is that you wrote this in third person view, and you leave it up to the reader as to imagine who "she" is. It could be the author of this poem (yourself) or in general terms it could be a female person who you have a perspective of. The language of this poem is really superb in my personal view. There are many different emotions you have created for this person and they have experienced so much in their life.

    At first they felt on top of the world (or universe in this case), which to me reads as happiness, like nothing could bring her down. This person felt like they could do anything and nothing could stop them.

    "When the night fell
    and when it got colder she got heavier, her pace slower."

    I personally stumbled while reading this line. My suggestion would be to t gwrite it like this:

    "When the night fell,
    it got colder, she got heavier and her pace slower." (You could also change "slower" to slowed down, because I read most of the top half of the poem as past tense, like a memory). Again these are just suggestions.

    I would change trickle to trickled, because again you want to stay consistent with past tense.

    I liked the ray of hope at the end, because you take the reader back into the present, and it reads to me like she is starting over again. I loved the title because it fits the poem and the verbiage you used to a tee. well done.

    • 3 weeks ago

      by S.T.A.R.

      First of all thank you for the detailed comment, it is very helpful!!
      Changing too many things in the poem may change the shape, one character may make a great difference in this case.
      “When the night fell,
      it got colder”
      I considered this while writing the poem, but what I meant is not that the night made it colder, they’re two different cases. This is my mistake for not making it clearer. :)