Comments : Grownups

  • 1 month ago

    by Milly Hayward

    This is very powerful. That move from childhood to being a grownup can be traumatic. As little girls we always want to grow up but then when it happens it is never as we imagine it to be. A superb and insightful write. Milly x

  • 1 month ago

    by Daniel

    A very thoughtful poem about uncertainty and transformation, which is full of nice, individual images. I’m not so sure about the form, I think it breaks the poem’s flow up a bit too much. That’s honestly just a personal opinion.

    ‘She closed her eyes to start a dream her heart had set’

    I feel your verbs are uncharacteristically weak here: ‘start’ and ‘set’ - they seem a little ordinary, and ‘set’ makes me think of work tasks, haha.

    Grammatically, there are some issues towards the end. You use a present and past tense verb in the same sentence:

    ‘was once and for so long the treasure chest she goes (went/chased?) after
    when she needed a penny.’

    And here, you signify that her memory started to fade in the past but time has been crawling into her now? I mean:

    ‘Her memory slowly started fading, for time has (had) been slowly
    crawling into her’

    Or

    ‘Her memory (has) slowly (started to fade), for time has been slowly
    crawling into her’

    The reason I make these points is that I wasn’t sure exactly when this was happening in her timeline.

    It is early in the morning so maybe I’m missing something :D

    There were some delightful images here STAR. The last line in particular.

    • 1 month ago

      by S.T.A.R.

      No you are right, I knew there are so many problems in this. I wrote this real fast and posted it without going through it again. With time I did not mean the past, but her realization that she is getting older. Thank you Daniel I like those detailed comments of yours :)