Despair is largely the reason I stopped writing regularly to be honest. I am so exhausted with life that it's becoming ridiculous. My thoughts have always been deep and my heart feels deeply as well, but I've now lost the two closest people in my entire life and beyond those two, I've also lost almost a dozen friends varying from merely acquaintances to similarly close friends but not as close as my little fairy and the person I lost in 2015. Nonetheless, a dozen people I've at some point called friends have died the past five years, from all manner of reasons ranging from drug overdoses to complications in surgery to sudden terminal illnesses appearing out of nowhere or coming back after previously having been beaten. Therefore the issue with deep thoughts and deep emotions is that they can become so deep that they transform into an abyss that is hard to climb out of.

I'm just so tired. My life has become more about death than living and it exhausts me beyond what I can describe. Once, I had an array of people who loved and supported me, making it feasible for me to fight my inner demons - but almost all of them are dead now, and yeah, the despair is winning.

I struggle a lot to see any purpose in even trying anymore. I'm so tired that I'm starting to fail to see a point in even trying. Even trying feels defeating now. Even if my intellectual understanding of the world tells me that I am overthinking it, emotionally it feels hard not to feel that the cosmos is trying to make me suffer at every turn, and that I am navigating a sea of bitterness on a sinking boat without any mechanisms to help me propel forward.

I'm just so tired.