Comments : If you cared

  • 6 months ago

    by Rob

    Feeling your pain!

  • 6 months ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I kind of like the ambiguity of "bring all of mine, back" - there's the obvious sense of hurt here, and your tangible struggle. That reflection at the end, that plea to make you whole again perhaps, less damaged. How you tried and gave and shared and felt, yet you kept hitting this person's wall. And you gave your heart, selfless, only to be hurt in return.

    There were some consistency issues I felt disrupted the flow, but that's simply my opinion. It was neat how you capitalized "Tender", but I think it would read better as "Tenderness". Or "a Tender touch".

    Also:

    "But you scared
    or never cared
    But only of walls,"

    - This took me out of the poem, more so the lack of certain words to help tie it in better. Like

    "But you were scared
    or never cared,
    meeting only walls".

    or "built by brick" or something along the lines to add something else other than the "but".

    I feel this poem could be a bit more polished with a few extra words to help the flow, but I love the that firm "now" near the end to bring back your humanity, your own compassion and tenderness you gave. For it is yours. Not theirs.