Comments : Terror

  • 2 weeks ago

    by Daniel

    Your poetry is much more confrontational recently, and whilst I know that sounds like a pretty perverse, obtuse thing to say, you still haven't lost your voice, and I admire how effortlessly you are embodying your poetry with rage. The personification of terror as the police force is apt, and you have managed to create some shocking descriptions:

    'distrust taints the city
    streets like uncontained
    sewage.'

    I adore this! And whilst I am not a massive fan of hyperbole in poetry, the below:

    'Terror is a SWAT truck
    not afraid to knock over
    peaceful citizens,'

    I feel 'knock over' is way too innocent. I can accidentally knock over a fence. It doesn't tell the truth. There is a blatant disregard for every human who protests peacefully, and this poem should highlight this at every opportunity.

    The same goes for:

    'trapping
    them in alleyways'

    Trapping could be stronger. Cornering? Through the majority of this piece, I feel the anguish, but it occasionally falters.

    'We won't forgive you.'

    The isolation of this is brutally effective. As is the description of their rage as 'grotesque'. You're right. It's barbaric.

    The ending of the poem is also interesting. You don't want to see eye to eye, you want to look down upon them as they are looking down on you now. This is no longer about equality, it's about justice.

    Keep writing these, Maryanne. They are powerful pieces.

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Poet on the Piano

      Ahh, thank you! Your comments/reviews are always so sincere and helpful. I usually write fast and sometimes don't come back to each particular verse to see if there was something that could be strengthened... you've taught me a lot by sharing your thoughts and I need to pay more attention to the power and impact of words!

      My intention in "knocking over" was to show almost a nonchalance, a simple "oops, I knocked them over, who really cares though". They don't seem to realize the power they hold, or they do, and simply have no conscience has to how they use it."trapping" could definitely be re-worded.

      And yes to the ending lines, that's exactly it.

      THANK YOU :)