Comments : Dare To Dream

  • 2 years ago

    by Keira Pickard

    Firstly, you forgot to add your name at the end. Lol
    Seriously though, this is beautiful. I loved the opening line, and the lovely use of lush words such as 'twixt' and 'groves'. The next line is full of really wonderful imagery, as are the following two.
    The second stanza is well rhymed and nicely worded. The pictures drawn from it are absolutely magnificent and calming.
    I loved the third stanza most of all.

    People only need the light
    When passing through a violent storm.

    ^^ this reminds me of the song by Passenger, ' Let Her Go'. They're my favourite lines in this poem, but I don't think that on the line before these it needs a ; , as it's not really anything to do with them. I think I'd personally put a dash if you want a pause or a full stop.
    I thought the final stanza was brilliant.

    Also, I'd consider changing the second to last line a little. ' modify ' would be a better way to put it! Instead of

    Watch the sunlight dry the dew

    Maybe change 'dry' to 'drink' or 'absorb'?
    I liked the title and the rhymes. There's a lovely rhythm to this and theme. I also enjoyed how you've presented it.
    Overall, wonderfully relaxing and I'm so glad to see it nominated :)

    • 2 years ago

      by CJ Maleney

      Ben you created a monster.

      Go wee Pickard, gotta keep the old boy on his toes lol

    • 2 years ago

      by Ben Pickard

      'Dry' to 'drink' really is an excellent suggestion, Keira. Thank you for this.
      X

  • 2 years ago

    by CJ Maleney

    Wow Ben.

    It's not often you rhyme things but oh my God when you do! Beautiful poem and I really love it.

    I don't generally critique, but if I had one change to make it would be to remove the word violent as it kinda messes with the flow for me. Apart from this miniscule thing it's fantastic.

    I'm gonna shut up now as I've commented on a poem by the master and my works are so often flawed.

    One ducks ones head and prepares for the barrage.

    Hope you and yours are all well and happy dude.

    Ps if there was only one thing I've read this evening I'm glad it was this.

    Smiles

    • 2 years ago

      by Ben Pickard

      Thanks, Craig. I have no problem at all with you suggesting improvements...I just refuse to listen. )