Comments : The Elephant, the seesaw and the Mice Pt2 (English Sonnet)

  • 1 month ago

    by Kitty Cat Lady

    A sequel! How brilliant! You have made the sonnet look deceptively easy here, when we all know they're anything but. I love this continuation of the story and can imagine them as a series of children's books with fun illustrations, both poems have all the right ingredients for it. I can't nominate it on a Sunday but I don't doubt I'll be beaten to it.
    So well done Mr D! :-) x
    =^.^=

  • 1 month ago

    by Em

    Hello Mr. D I'm so pleased there's another of the adventures and that the mice got their moon cheese.. I wonder if they're happier now, I'd bet my last 10p on it lol
    Take care,
    Em x

  • 1 month ago

    by Everlasting

    I love the ending line.

    There’s a few lines that may need some help. For instance,

    “ They watched a moon of cheese begin to climb.”

    ^ when I read it, I read as if the moon of cheese was starting to climb, but I feel like you meant to say the mice begin to climb, right?

    So Possible suggestion if that was your intention:

    The sun dissolved behind the seesaw mates,
    they watched a moon of cheese and off they climbed
    The mice all squealed, “we'd like to have a taste,
    but how to reach a moon so high and fined?

    Then this line:

    The elephant so hard the mice did fly…

    ^ what did the elephant do?

    The elephant jumped to make the mice fly <- I’m not sure about the meter in this suggestion though. Hmm … idk

    Three mice wanted to taste a moon of cheese <- the meter is a bit off with “wanted”

    ^ three mice just wished to taste a moon of cheese?

    • 1 month ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thanks for this. I will look over it and im sure change those areas.
      The moon was rising, so the word 'rise' would fit nicely! As for the elephant, this was an area I hoped the reader would interpret. The 5 fell onto the seesaw, elephant one way and mice the other causing them to catapult up.

      Luce, thanks for this. A big help! :)

  • 1 month ago

    by Ben Pickard

    Excellent, Michael. These are turning into quite something. More, man, more. I would agree with Lucero, however: the "wanted" is definitely off there.
    All the best as ever,
    Ben

    • 1 month ago

      by Mr. Darcy

      Thanks, Ben. I always appreciate an expert's eye. Shame really, do you know anyone? Lol seriously, thanks.