Comments : A Ghost's Story [Collab with Star]

  • 10 months ago

    by Rayven

    Genuinely one of the best worded and story collaborations I have read in my time on here. I'm not going to break down each line as I couldn't do the poem a justification it richly deserves.

    One small thing to point out is at the end of the 3rd line in the 3rd stanza there are two commas. I personally think it would read better with no commas, but I just wanted to point out the small typo.

    The first impression I get with the poem itself is loss or grief. When you use soul as a word that's the first thing. The second thing I often see in poetry (and it's not a bad thing) is using a time early in the early morning to convay emotions. All of this combined makes for a great set up to the poem itself. But what is the sadness about? That should be answered in the next stanza and you did so well.

    The plot really hits the reader in the gut because most people have experienced death in their lives. The imagery here is great as well, and it tells me a lot the death occurred when someone was unexpectedly hit. This person was extremely young because you used the wording there was more to your story.

    The rest of the poem ends well. Lilies were their favorite flower. The spot the accident happened was walked often by you two. The ending hits hard because you replay their routine over and over. It's a PTSD cycle which tells me one thing: the person still alive watched it happen and has survivors guilt.

    An absolute masterclass in writing.

  • 9 months ago

    by Kate

    This is wonderfully written.

    Sometimes with collabs you can tell what each author has written, like some sort of disconnect between the lines. They blur effortlessly here, but still hold the unique touch of each of you.

    The story itself is beautiful, the tone throughout quite haunting. The flow is wonderful, pauses placed perfectly between the different thoughts, the questions posed at the end. Fantastic.