Comments : disconnected.

  • 2 months ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    I must say, I liked the original title with "devil" in it (can't remember all of it, but I glanced at it quickly the other day). I think you have some of the best titles that really pique my interest and complement the poem!

    "sometimes you cry and
    you hope your tears would
    stain your skin,
    and when you check
    the mirror and find nothing
    you’re reminded of what
    restlessness means."

    - This immediately brought me into this idea of someone wanting proof of pain, of heartache. When we feel like we're falling apart inside, but aren't showing any signs on the outside of distress or anxiety. The "restlessness" part was interesting, because again, I think a lot of that can be internal. A soul that feels lost, not established, not able to make a firm connection.

    - My one suggestion is that it felt a bit heavy opening up the poem with that many "you"s. I think it would read the same if you removed the "you" from "you hope". Also, I don't know if grammatically, if there's a difference, but "will stain" sounded better to me than "would stain" here. Just my thoughts!

    "the moments of hush is what
    you salvage the most;"

    - Hmm, usually I read "hush" as a verb, I kind of like the placement of it here. And the reverence in which you talk about it. That sacred quiet.

    "the delicate taste of quietness
    invigorates your soul,"

    - I love imagining "quietness" having a taste. Like it is something so unobtrusive; it's subtle, light and brings something that you didn't quite have before. On my first read, I kind of felt "quietness" was an awkward term, and something like "tranquility", "serenity", "stillness" or "quietude" could possibly work better. I'm still not sure why it feels awkward to me, maybe just the way it sounds when read aloud.

    "but those times when your skin
    is clear those times become
    a manifestation for a
    veined epidermis,"

    - This was so interesting! It brings me back to your use of "stained" in the first paragraph. The clear, unaffected skin means something more. I was not expecting "veined epidermis" and really liked that. I knew "epidermis" was related to the skin but had forgotten it's the outer layer. I would suggest adding a comma after "clear", or a line break, to signify that natural pause.

    "a slow torturing

    you don’t know why
    you hope for something
    this vague"

    - I can't get over the discomfort I felt reading these last few lines. It almost felt like a tonal shift. And the way you phrase those last six words feel ominous (and vague to me haha).

    I'll read again in a few days I'm sure, but the only thing I can interpret this as now is a complexity of human emotions, when they want to break the surface of your mind, of your skin, and you start not seeing yourself as real in a sense. Or real to the world. There's no link or continuity between your thoughts and emotions. And perhaps, it's a comfort, in not being that obvious vessel for your emotions, a manifestation of anger and sadness that causes reactions in yourself and others. It's almost like you're able to not necessarily dismantle the emotions from you, but view them from a distance.

    "disconnected" works so well for this too, even though I know I said I liked the original title, I almost felt a character's dissociation reading this. Glad you shared this :)

    • 2 months ago

      by Star

      the title was “when the devils’s cloud is above you” something sounds wrong in it, or is that just me?

      Tbh I was kind of uncomfortable writing this not sure why lol. Which is why Im still not sure about the title, and also your comment made me realize that the poem showed that!

      Thank you so much MA, I really needed this comment :)