This is so incredibly poignant, and how I've missed reading your work on here!
I really related with the concept of worshiping death, as it can hold a personal, almost intimate hold on those of us who wish for it to happen. When the need and desire to not exist is more meaningful in a way than existing in our current state.
The repetition in this, then the final lines changing, show such emotion. The image of the dancing angels makes me think of the way death can seem to draw us in, inviting us, and how easily we can become ensnared in its grasp until it's all we dream and think about, and we lie to others to make it seem like we're fine. And we maybe even lie to ourselves to think feeling the way we do is only temporary, or smoke and mirrors.
That last line ending the piece made me interpret it as, at first, finding something to anchor you to this world and not seeking death to visit you. An optimistic verse, even if you haven't found the "purpose" others push on you, even if everything is not that lucid yet. This chapter of your life that's beginning, it's like a tonal shift, into new territory. And even if it's not hope you've found, there's hopeful aspects in your sight now.
I also took it as meaning the opposite, not worshiping death because a part of you has already died, and that numbness is entering your everyday world, so it's like that nonexistence is already pooling in to your reality.
Anyway, so glad to see a new piece from you. Nominated.
Thank you. I've missed writing too, but coming back to it is a mixed experience in many senses of the word. And on the topic of the last line, the analysis is quite correct. This poem is very specifically about how I've been addicted to hard drugs for the past decade, and how the past two years have been almost entirely dedicated to maintaining sobriety.
You'd think that being sober for two years would be an optimistic, cheerful experience, but I'm not quite there yet. I'm clear of mind to know that it's worth it, but the process itself is very bleak. My memory is damaged beyond recognition, my body has more things wrong with it than it has things that are working correctly.
But also on a spiritual level, addiction changes you, and it changes what you can experience from reality, both mentally and physically. Like, it's worth pursuing sobriety, but it is really hard to explain to people why it is so difficult to maintain - because the very act of using things like heroin is such a transcendent experience that beyond the issues caused by addiction itself, is ultimately unparalleled in the sheer sensation of it.
So yeah. There's been a tonal shift, I'm going into new territory. But I'm under no illusions or mania about how hard it is to maintain the path I'm on.
I think most of all, I've realized that I'm too tired of watching people die, and I'm too tired of other people fearing that I would die. Being obsessed with extremes is exhausting. So in the weirdest possible way, numbness has been a refreshing experience.
I would be lying if I said I didn't have apprehensions about what a world would look like with me living for a long time in it. I'd never even really considered the possibility before. I'm frankly getting older than I ever thought I would.
Life sure is strange sometimes. Anyway, enough rambling, thanks for your kind words. <3