Two sides to the coin

every day that i am with him
i can feel my lungs deflate.
i can feel my heart rate slow down
as with baited breath i wait.

his certain brand of struggle,
- depression, anger, fear -
conflict with so much tension
inside me, a freezing deer.

every word i try to say,
every hug i try to give,
it feels like i am waiting
for just one to pull the pin.

i cannot be myself,
for anything might set him off.
if not in fits of shouting
then in a shaking silent fight.

And then flip this bronze coin over
And I look to You with joy.
You are my light, You are my rock,
My stable, sturdy strength.

I long to see You day and night,
Every minute away is pain.
My heart swells up with love
When my phone displays your name.

To him i made a promise
and that paper i did sign.
But with You I feel more safe
and loved then many years with him.

To every light there is a dark
a yin within the yang.
To truly love my place with You
I need the cave to step out from.