I didn’t trust the nice guys anymore-
I’d spent too much time with men who had the facade of kindness,
Patient enough to wait until I loved them before they hurt me.
And a million alarms had gone off in my head when I saw your name there-
I’d typed. Deleted. Retyped. My initial response
until it was crafted from who I actually was and not old feelings.
Or ongoing abuse.
Or grief.
Or fear disguised as wisdom.
I didn’t trust you but I left the door cracked just enough-
I was too busy trying to survive a multitude of traumatic events to care much about where it would go.
And it took months for your apology to settle into my bones;
My body didn’t trust things as simple as words anymore and my nervous system questioned your intentions but-
you were there every time I checked.
Patient and kind and gentle the whole time while days and nights bled together for me.
By the time I could comprehend the date displayed on my phone
I realized you weren’t standing outside of the door for me anymore but-
You’d become a part of the house.
And now I often look back and wonder what would’ve happened,
if I hadn’t dug through the hollow thing I called a chest back then to find myself before I responded to you.
I didn’t trust the nice guys anymore but-
one decision to respond with maturity and see the best in people when I had no faith left,
led me to a place I thought would never exist for me.
