Reading these notes

I’m sitting here reading
All of my suicide notes
All of my poems
And all of my quotes

So many of them state
That I want to die
And so many of them state
That crimson tears I cry

If you were to sit and read them
You’ll see they’re pretty much the same
They all say I slit my wrist
And always with you to blame

But what they don’t say
Is that I’m living a double life
A fake one at school
And to this a take my knife

I hold it to my wrist
And slowly slide it through
But I do not feel any pain
Except what’s been caused by you

What you have caused
Is sorrow, hurt, anger and pain
To wear it o the outside
Tells what words can’t explain

I’ve suffered so many things
During my time on earth
The worst thing of all
Would have to be my birth

I’ve lost so many people
I thought I couldn’t live without
The last one being Matt
Whom I cared so much about

He told me he loved me
And I wish I said it back
I had never been told that I’m loved before
I guess that’s what I lack…

There’s a note here for my mum
Saying I’m sorry for being me
I’m sorry that I’m not perfect
But this is the best that I can be

Reading all this stuff
Is reminding me of my pain
I just finished slitting my wrist
But I think I’ll start again

To all my dear my friends
Who stuck by my side
Thankyou all so much
For finding me when I would hide

But I feel I must tell you something
As I’ve hidden it from you
I suffer from depression
And there’s nothing the doctors can do

I wish I could say goodbye
To all of you face to face
But I couldn’t wait any longer
To get out of this horrible place

And I know you’re probably thinking
That it can’t be all that bad
And asking why I’d do this
When I never seemed sad

Well you’d be surprised just how much
You can hide behind a smile
But even this little hidy hole
Gets full after a while

It gets so full of hate and hurt
That I can’t even force out a small grin
And I guess I’ll soon be in hell
As all this pretending is a sin

I have to wonder though why should I kill myself
When I’m living in hell any way
So now I’m confused and wondering
Should I go or should I stay

I’ll go of course
I’m sick of this
I’ll take my razor
And my wrist I’ll slit

I’ll think of how
My life’s just a game
And I don’t mind losing
And you’re to blame