wow, very well-written! that was so good and well, true at times, i really liked it, that was so good, keep your head up :) xxx

I didn't reall like this one that much. Couple suggestions though:
1)Use punctuation. Like in the line that says "twisting burning screaming", it should be "twisting, burning, screaming," That might be just me though. Things like that annoy me sometimes. Haha.
2)I don't like this line either, it seems awkward. "a cry of despair and for help" Maybe make it something like, "a cry of despair, a cry for help" That seems to flow better.

Just my thoughts though, take em or leave em! Keep writing.