Thinking (confusing)

I was thinking today
About everything
Slowly my day started to fade away
I thought of how i hurt all my friends
How we almost had an end
I thought of how I lost the one i loved the most
Now im slowly fading cause she was the
biggest part of my life
Im not over the fact shes gone
Then I thought about my frineds again
I made alot of mistakes
I dont think Ive learned from any
Thats what makes me a bad friend
But the friends I have are strong
I still have them
Weve been through alot of arguments
and fights
Then I lost 2 of them in one night
Thats when I would go to my grama
My Best Friend
I could talk to her about my troubles
and what was going on
But all that was gone
She had past away and
left me here to stay
My friends that had told me they didnt want anything
to do with me anymore
2 weeks later we were good
We had talked it over on what went wrong
I hope our friendship will get strong again
Now they all think im happy
But im still not over the fact that shes gone
I still sit and cry staring at her picture
I put on a smile that my true friends can see through
But everyone else beleives
I dont talk about her passing
But i think I want to
But I dont wanna make a fool of myslef
By crying
I wanna be face to face with the one who is willing to listen to me
I want them to hug me and tell it going to be ok
When I think its not
Out of everyone in my family
My mom, my uncle and I were hurt the most
But the thing is
I was hurt the most
No matter what they say
They got to say Goodbye
I didnt