You put me in a difficult position, Nick. I don't want to hurt you anymore. And it seems that whenever I talk to you, I'm hurting you. I can't keep doing that to you. Its one thing when I'm hurting myself, but hurting someone who loves me immensely such as you do, I can't do that. Its never something I WANT persay, but its saving you trouble. I'm not worth half of what you give me credit for. I'm just a mixture of disruptive thoughts and disturbances. I never know what I want, what I need, what I need to say, or why I cry sometimes, but I hurt more than you'll ever know. I'm glad for that, because its completely not what you deserve, but honestly, I've barely stopped crying since last night. If you look at my xanga, I tried to post my pain.

My family is ashamed of me. I"m such a clutz, my ex friend Nikki will take me to the councillors office the second I become a threat to her. SHE WILL DO IT!!! And once the councillor finds out, and my mom too, that I cut, I'll commit suicide. Its something that i'm willing to die for. I can't let something like that happen to my family and I'm sorry if this message disturbs you, please don't cry because its not like I"m planning my death or anything, but its something I'm prepared for.

I've never had as miserable life as some people on this site, and I probably never will, but I am ashamed of myself and pity myself more than anyone could ever make me feel. Hailie's near death is practically my fault. It is and nothing you say will convince me of that.

Georgi's near death, yes she tried to commit suicide today too, nearly broke my heart in too, and that too, is almost my fault.

All these people tell me they love me before they are willing to die. I never want to hear that. It makes the future seem harder to carry out. Hailie said it to me, and I wish it were enough to stop her, but it wasn't. She's unconscience, and Steph is in pain because of me.

My arm still hurts to this day from all the old scars. I can feel every wound reopen again every time my heart beats. I can almost feel my heart literally explode in my chest and the pain is at times unbearable.

Last night I went crazy. I tried laying my head on my pillow to sleep, but I couldn't stop weeping. My eyes were so sore, stinging, burning with every tear I cried. I had like 6 blankets over my body, but still i felt unbearably cold and shaky. I was sweating so much it would appear I just walked in from the rainstorm that was brewing outside. I can't think anymore.

I know I've strayed off topic, both those were the things I never wanted you to know or feel, but you just had to know them. If this made you cry, then I can't continue to hurt you, so that may be the end of our friendship, but if you could hang in there while reading this, then I know you can handle the pain that is life that I continue to live. So, really, the decision is up to you, I've never been one to adore pain and you know that, but letting you go now, would save yourself and myself in the long run.

Lots of love.

~Sierra

No, I'm not okay, thanks though. :-D.

i want to be your friend, but i want to know if you still wan to be mine? i dont want to fight for an empty cause. i want to fight for our friendship, and yes sadly your comment brought me down a lil, but thats life, life hurts. there is nothing we can do to stop that but love each other. life is always gonna try to hurt . and it always wins. its gonna hurt. but you have to be strong. you have to let the past be past and remember it not live in it. always stay strong. i have tried to the best of friend to you. with so much i have tried and fought of demons that try to keep me from you but i still fight for you. you have it in you. i know you do. its in you to be a great person. to grow up and be a great mother if you want. you have to learn from this past. to learn from our mistakes or our troubles. i will never let go of you unless you want me to. if you tell me then i will. but honestly, the friend you have become to me, im not sure what i would do if that happened. i have had so much pain in my life.....im use to it. im expecting to hurt. but i hope anyways. i hope for love. i hope our friendship will last. please. dont let me fight for an empty cause. i want you to be my friend. i fo real want you to be my friend, but if you truely want to let go, then i will not hold you back. but i want you to know, i would rather take your tears that hurt, then my own tears that burn my heart. if you let go it is really going to hurt me in more then just friendship. i love you very much. but like i keep saying, i dont want to fight for an empty cause, so please tell me what you would like. i hope that you are ok. just keep your eyes focused on what needs to be done and do it. dont worry about your family, they dont understand you. please dont hurt yourself, if you wanna be friends and cry then cry, if you want to let go , then let go. but whatever you do, dont hurt yourself please. i honestly think i might hurt myself if you do. really. and i dont want to but..........idk what i would do. so if you want to be my friend then i ok, but if you want to let go then i will open my heart and let you go. let me know

Much love

Nick

haha yes very, but i am a man of love, and if leting go makes that person happy even if may hurt me, than i have no objection to it. thanx for the comment. Much Luv

Nick