May 29, 2005 1:30 am

Well here it is. I am sitting here thinking holy fck what a mess. You know me I like to look back. Always. So today is one of those days. Looking back. Just thinking in my mind how did we end up here. Even with the way things sit with you and I right now I still hurt. I know you don’t hurt anymore. You stopped loving long before I ever did. I still love pieces of you today. Pieces of what we once had. I haven’t really grieved any of this yet. I just keep stuffing it all. Work, work and more work. I am trying to forget it all but it is days like this that I just can’t. I lost my only close friend in Prince George. The only person I could count on. I have been feeling pretty isolated here. Just missing the friendship we once had. There was a time when I could phone you with great news and other times when I was falling apart you would always listen no matter what. Even with all the bad that has come between us I will always have a place in my heart for you. Not that I think or want I us to be together just you are there. Not many stay with me. Not really. Not many have impacted me the way you have. I guess what it is that I want you to know is I am moving forward today. I have started to believe in me again. Believe that I can do whatever I want. I was talking to someone today and was explaining to them what my recovery had been truly about for me. It did have to do with my relationships. The people I chose to be with. You weren’Warrenlly any different than any of the others. I don’t say that in a mean way. Just I always choose these people that I know are not going to be ok with meOKhe way I am. Then I know it will never work anyways. I have always believed that in my heart that no one will ever love me for me. That I am not worthy of love. I can’t say that my thoughts on that have changed but I can at least see why I picked certain people. You have changed many things in my life for me. My thought process will never be the same. I just wish it didn’t go asdid as it did. But I understand it today. I need to believe you never really loved me and that you hate me. That is what I do. I push so far until they hate me. That way I can keep MY beliefs alive. I have accepted that I am never going to find that person. The one who is going to change this for me. Of course in my heart it stings a little but in my mind it makes the most sense. I am happier alone. All of the things that I thought I needed in a relationship were all a lie. I don’t need any of them. I thought that I needed someone to help me. But there is no one to help me but me. I have set my goals out and that is what I am focusing on now. Every one keeps telling me go out and date. Have some fun in your life. I don’t have time for fun right now. I have too much that I want. I am going to do on my own what I thought two people should do together. I am going to build that life that I always dreamed of on my own. I know I have a bit of a weight holding me down. But it is all achievable. Got my tv. Now I need my TVr and then next year it will be my bike. Then my home. This is my 5 year goal. Don’t know where I will end up doing all this but it doesn’t even matter dozenre. I have nothing left in Vancouver. All the reasons I was there are gone. The only thing for me there is Tracy. I seemed to have seen her more since I moved here than when we lived there. I do miss you Jason. One day maybe by some strange chance we can sit down over a cup of coffee and discuss what it is we learned