This is so so sad! I feel your pain in every word! I think it's a fantastic, but sad write! Great job!

Here's the thing hun, you say you try to smile when things go wrong, that is strength and courage. Courage is not the absence of fear (weakness) but a decision that something is more important or above that weakness. When you smile, even if it feels fake you are having an untold amount of couarge. It's this courage that should light your life and give you the ability to live. I am not saying that it will make you all happy or things will become perfect, no, not by any stretch of the imagination will that be. But they can get better. This first part of fixing a weakness in yourself or a habbit you don't like is to recognize there is a problem and to not like it being there. You said you think of others before you think of yourself yes? I do not encourage that way of thinking ( a mistake I myself make a lot) but working with that can gives you reason to live as it does me. Live for those who feel like you, and only are wanting a friend, live for those who want to be cared about, and are contemplating their dark end. Live to make this horrible world better than the one you know, and honestly that will solve your problems. You will have worth in your service of others, you will be wanted and loved and cared about by them, you will have a gift and talent to share with the world, that gift of understanding. In all this you could tell others how you feel to relate to them and to show them you understand. I know that is what I have been trying to do, once I stopped trying to kill myself. (I tried to die eight times in the last two years,) and it works or at least it provides a start to making your life the way you want to be. A quote:

"Keep in mind the challenging fact that your aim is not to get ahead of other's, but to surpass yourself; to begin today to be the person you want to be."

Also my poem Sucide through someone else's eyes goes along with this theme. I love you hun, and I wish you could be happy. This is the way I have tried to find happiness and I hope it can help you. Huggles!

-Mikochan

P.S. Good poem!

-Mikochan

I really liked that, i can relate to alot of it, good job, really!!

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check some of my stuff out, let me know what you think. thanks.

That was like really good. awesome job!