This has potential.. the attempt you made at rhyming has kinda cost you the poem tho.... it doesnt flow as well as it needs to... it was really good the first few lines.. but then you tried rhyming to much, you do have potential tho... just let the poem flow from you... all poems dont have to rhyme.. most of mine dont and ive gotten plenty of comments on them...
keep it up!!! ur doing great!
amanda