Comments : Freedom

  • 18 years ago

    by Juls

    Good message. Nothing in this world is free. Expectly freedom. Im going to give you a few tips..
    ~Put a space between the words 'sacrifice' and 'or'
    ~I would not repeat the flow of the word somtimes.

    sometimes it comes at a higher price
    somtimes it comes at a higher toll
    sometimes it takes lives, family, or relatives
    sometimes it takes a mother, a father, a son or a daughter
    sometimes it takes a sister, a brother, an aunt, or an uncle
    it always takes something
    sometimes even a home.

    Maybe get rid of sometimes and put something like.. 'At times' or just get rid of the word and don't put anything in the place of it.

    It comes at a higher price
    Our Freedom comes at a higher toll
    Sometimes it takes lives, family, or relatives
    At times..a mother, a father, a son or daughter
    Our freedom may take a sister, a brother, aunt, or an uncle
    Our Freedom always takes something
    Maybe even a home

    ^^Maybe something like that. The only reason I say that is becasue the reader may get lost in what that "something" is taking sometimes.

    Sorry to change your writing. But I think you have alot of life in this poem it just needs more description on freedom.

    Great work though, I enjoyed reading it. I hope you didnt take any offense on this comment, because I wasnt applying any.
    *Julie*