Comments : Grey Abyss (Lyrics)

  • 17 years ago

    by Void

    Hello again. This is comment number two as far as I know. I have a confession to make... Your poetry is so hard for me to critique on because I think it's absolutely beautiful. Usually I can read things over four hundred times and find atleast One thing to nit pick on. However, I've already read this four hundred times and probably more and I find nothing at all that I don't like. So rather than giving you anything to fix, or saying what I may have done with mine (because I've come to terms with the fact that mine just wouldn't be as good) I am simply going to give you praise. Atleast that's the case for this one...After this though, I'm going to search through so many more of your poems in hopes to find maybe, just maybe, one mistake. Haha. As horrible as that may sound, I do it out of love of your writing. lol.
    My favourite thing about this poem was your set up, which created rhythm aswell. The one word openings, and then small descriptions or add ons. It worked so beautifully. You have so much talent...

    Hey, I noticed something I could pick out... It's tooken me forever, which proves that it's nothing important, but maybe you will see why I might bring it up aswell... In your last stanza (type thing) you have one line, that consists of the word 'but' twice... Some words sound good repeated, however 'but' just never has...Perhaps it's just me?

    ''I reach 'but' feel nothing 'but' air
    Not love, not awe, just despair''

    ...If it was just:

    ''I reach 'to' feel nothing 'but' air
    Not love, not awe, just despair''

    I'm sure it doesn't make much of a difference to you - though there are some of us that are quite picky with words in our work...
    As you saw from the beginning, I am a Huge fan of your poetry. I'm seriously contimplating adding you to my favourites... Infact, I'm going to. Keep up your amazing work :)